Things are looking up

yesterday was a good day. Mum has a nurse at her bedside all the time as she is still considered a risk to herself, and with a syringe of insulin on her machine she has the ability to try and commit suicide again. She seemed very cheery, smiling away. Her speech is better, nearly managing full sentences. It makes things so much easier when she can talk back to you. She asked how Aisha was which was great.
I tried to keep things light hearted as I didn't want to upset her. We joked about how bad the food was, and i got her to pick a horse in the grand National. The plan is to move her to Cornhill over the weekend if they can stabilise her eating which will level out her insulin requirements. The nurse told me it was more comfortable and the food was better!!
Mum still seems distant in that I don't know how much she is aware of her situation. The possibility of permanent brain damage is still very real and only time will tell.
I cleared a space in the garage to do the kettlebells. I had a swing of them last night and it felt good, but i didn't stick to any plan.
Today I woke up to hear Kim throwing up!!! She has sickness and diarrhoea. So I will be picking Aisha up from school today. Her Easter holidays start today. She's very excited. Kim isn't so!!

Improvement Every Day

Yesterday there was a slight improvement with mum, which at this moment is all we can ask for. She managed some tea and toast, and managed to say yes and no, she managed to say Aisha, and she tried to say more but at the moment it isn't coming. But a small improvement every day is fine. Dave went out to Inverurie to tidy up the house, turn off the heating etc and to look for some clues to see if we could work out what has happened. In her bedroom he found a note. On one side was a letter to me and Dave telling us what mum wanted done when she died. This was no surprise to me as she told me she was to write this and was going to get my uncle to sign it. But on the back she had written how she couldn't live without my dad and for us not to think to bad of her. This as you can imagine broke my heart. I can honestly say I felt no anger towards her for what she had done, only pity. But pity won't help her through this. A show of strength from her sons and a vision of what she still has in front of her is what she needs.
For all the discussions we have had, suicide was the one option we didn't think was possible. We spoke to a psychiatrist who told us that diabetics are usually successful in committing suicide as they can overdose on insulin. So we dismissed this. Now we know we were wrong. Speaking to relatives we are all in agreement she never showed any suicidal tendencies. Looking at it now, the one sign that we may have missed was that she was coping better than anyone expected. I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I need to focus on what i need to do to help mum.
Today i am heading out to Inverurie to pay for my dads funeral, to sort out my mums bank account, as i expect her to be in hospital for a good while. A nurse from Cornhill sat with her last night and i expect once she is off the drip she will be moved to Cornhill for assessment.
Through all this Dave has been great, we are really working as a team now, and it fells good. No one makes me laugh like Dave, we are really close again, and i am determined that is how it is going to stay.

one small step......

Monday showed a little improvement in mum, she can now nod and shake her head, and she tried to speak but couldn't. The biggest sign for me was when I left her last night and she squeezed my hand. That was enough to show me there is hope. In the afternoon she was moved to ward 25, a general ward. The nurses seem nice and friendly. She will continue to receive hourly tests such as blood tests. No word back on the lumbar puncture, but I don't expect it will show anything.

This morning I am all over the place, i have made about five stupid mistakes at work, I don't know what is up with me. I will work until 1.30pm then head up to the hospital. Visiting hours are from 2-4pm and 6.30-8pm and are a bit stricter than A & E.

Tonight I am going to try and get down to pick up my kettlebell as I need the focus it will bring.

I Dont Like Mondays

I just phoned the hospital to be told there had been little change over night, but that she had tried to speak. I will be at the hospital for 2.30pm where I hope sitting with me alone will encourage her to say something. My limited NLP knowledge will come into affect today when I try to mirror what my dad would do in this situation.
The girls at work have been fantastic in covering for me when my dad died and also just now. It is greatly appreciated and I will shower them with gifts when the time is right.
Lunch is some Covent Garden Broccoli and Stilton Cheese Soup with Tiger Paw loaf. Lovely!!

Sunday Sunday

Sunday was spent going back and forth to the hospital. When i went in mum was sleeping. When she woke she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I tried to be strong but the tears came. I dont think i have ever felt so sad as when i looked into my mums eyes then. At least with dads cancer we knew where we were with it, what to expect, but with this there are still far too many questions.
Over the course of the day she improved slightly but not much. A lumbar Puncture was carried out at around 4pm. This was done more to rule things out such as infection or meningitis rather than to find out what has happened. After the procedure she was tired and as she still cant speak we left her for the night.
The evening was spent speaking to relatives who have been a great support. when dad died and i was speaking to relatives i could feel the tears at the back of my head and had to fight to keep them back, that feeling returned last night. I cant get out of my head the last time I saw my dad. I visited him in the rest room before he was cremated to tell him i loved him and that I would look after mum. I hope he doesnt think i have failed him.
I have changed my work schedule so i can get away early and up to the hospital for afternoon visiting. I will phone this morning to see how she has been. I expect she has been moved to a new ward. I hope there has been some progress, even if it is slight.
This morning I weighed myself. I am 96kg. No surprise there as any structure in my life has gone completely. This week I am going to try and get down to AMAG to pick up the kettlebell Ray has left for me. I desperately need something else to focus on.

Another tough week

This week started badly and has just got a whole lot worse. I started the week with a bug and didnt eat for 48 hours. After recovering from that i got a scare on Wednesday when i couldnt get hold of my mum. As a diabetic she needs to really be careful with her diet and is a constant worry. I finally tracked her down and found out she had been out for lunch. Panic over. Then on Friday at about 6pm Dave phoned to say he couldnt get hold of mum. As it was a time she should have been home he headed out to Inverurie to see if she was ok. He phoned me at 7pm to say she was asleep in what seemed like a hypo state. After an hour of trying to get her to drink lucozade he phoned the G Docs. They decided to send an Ambulance. When they arrived they sorted out her glucose levels but she hadnt changed. They didnt think she had had a stroke but took her into A & E immediately. I arrived at 9.50pm. When i seen her she was lying breathing very heavily with her eyes not focusing and she wasnt responding. After talking to the nurse the next possibility was an overdose. She had been prescribed sleeping pills from the doctor when my dad died and her symptons were similar to those of an overdose victim. Dave had noticede the packet was empty, but when she had tried them she complained they made her groggy and she wasnt going to take any more. After two hours in A & E with no improvement they took her to a ward. When we got to see her she looked like she was sleeping. We left her for the night with more questions than answers.
Today i phoned to be told there was no improvement. When i visited she was more aware of her surroundings but she still wasnt responding. They then decided to take her for a scan. She came back with no sign of bleeding or clotting. So no stroke then. As the day passed there was very little improvement in her condition. It broke my heart to see her this way. Her eyes looked lost like a small child. We spoke with a psychiatrist as the possibility of an overdose was still real. We discussed my father passing and the impact it has had on mum. She felt an intentional overdose seemed unlikely, but an accidental overdose possible. We left to get some food. We returned to the hospital around 5pm and spoke to another doctor. She said it was hard to find what the source of the problem was. Her levels of insulin intake was very low which could indicate the diabetes was a problem. It could be she went hypo and suffered a siezure. It could also be she took too much insulin, and possibly along with the sleeping pills sent her into her current state. We just dont know. We do know she wont have recovered by tomorrow. This could be a slow recovery. There could be permanent brain damage, it may be temporary. I think it will be a while before we have some answers.
Tomorrow i have to phone the doctor in the morning and then will go up to the hospital for the day. Work schedules will need to be changed. I think i might have a pray tonight!
The diet, NLP, fitness schedule, all out the window. That needs to be addressed. But not tonight.

Still in Pain

The pain in my body has gone but the pain in my heart is still there. My beloved Aberdeen were yet again humiliated by a lower league team. How long must us Dons Fans put up with such ineptitude. I wont go into too much details, as I will get angry again and that does no one any favours. I will however say that as a club we must have change. The opportunity for Aberdeen to prosper over the next few years is too great to be squandered. Every club is looking at the credit crunch and will be cutting back. We have positioned ourselves financially so we don't need to. A successful team could see attendances rise where other teams will see a drop. This will increase our revenue and our financial clout. Aberdeen has two people going for every job in the city, where the national average is 10 people for every job. This may mean the crunch doesn't hit as hard here. As a club if we make the best of the opportunities that fall to us and more importantly don't fall to the other clubs in the SPL we can have a real advantage. The saying Success breads success is never more true than in football. Success means money which means power. But it must be done right. And for that to happen Aberdeen must cull the management team now. Enough is enough, no more excuses.