Failure

"Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail better"

This is a quote from Samuel Beckett I read the other day and thought it highlighted my struggle with weight loss. No doubt I am better informed than i was a year ago. Maybe too well informed. Maybe reading every report, like the one in the Evening Express last night that says diet is the only important aspect of weight loss, not exercise, has done more damage than good. Less is more as they say. Anyway, i am now in a better place mentally, have decided my plan of action, and are taking steps to change. This week i have been out on the bike, when it hasn't been torrential rain, and it feels good. The thighs have been burning, the lungs have been filled, and the good thing about cycling is no matter how hard i push myself, my body doesn't lock for three days afterwards. I have also been swinging the kettlebell. Surprisingly, i hadn't tried a one handed swing properly until this month when i got Rays May schedule. I couldn't believe how much it worked my biceps, i really felt it straight away. I have just about finished the Brain Wave book and am ready to put into action, lets hope its all that it promises to be.

i get it

I finally get it. All the fannying about i have done, and i now get it. Eat less, exercise more. Not rocket science. Nothing Revolutionary. Eat less, exercise more. I don't know if i have just came out of a winter slump where my brain hast been working, or more to the point where i haven't been listening. But now i get it. Eat less, work more. Life is simple, we make it complicated. I am going back to basics. No food diaries, no fasting, nothing fancy, just eat less, and exercise more.
Last week i finally realised the secret to success, it just dawned on me while digging the garden, that me trying to complicate things, trying to jazz them up by giving them a title or a name, was the thing that was hurting me the most. Lets just forget all that and keep it simple. That will be the secret to my success.
My mum's still a concern, but i had to make a conscious decision to stand back and concentrate on Aisha and Kim, they have been needing me more lately. Mum is still struggling with her diabetes, and i don't think she ever will be able to control it. My concern is every time she goes hypo she just does herself a little bit more damage. I try to help as best i can, but I know it pisses her off me constantly asking the same questions. We still haven't addressed her anger issues but we will soon.
Aisha is getting better with keeping herself dry, she's still not 100% but she's close. Her behaviour is up and down. We are still waiting for the final assessment so they can confirm she is on the Autism spectrum. This will mean we can look at getting her help at school. This will be a big weight off Kim's shoulders.
i have been reading about Brain Wave Vibrations as i heard it can be good for both autism and spinal injuries. This would be ideal to help both Aisha and Kim. Not even halfway through the book yet though!
The sun is shining today, life is good. Long may it continue!

its been nearly three weeks since my last post. In that time I have had a weeks holiday which was great, being out in the fresh clean air, doing the normal chores like gardening!! This year we are trying to go as much veggies as we can, we have carrots, tatties, onions, courgettes, salad leaves and tomatoes. Our garden isn't really designed for a vegetable patch but we will try and make the best of what space we have.
Aisha started her new school last week, part of the three R's project with Aberdeen Council. she will have the benefit of it for over five years and i think it will make a big difference to all the kids.
She was back having her eyes checked yesterday and we still need to use the patch for another three months.
We had a meeting with mum yesterday. At it were two of her carers, the diabetic nurse, the social worker mum and myself. Main topic was her diabetes. It was decided she will have three meals a day plus a snack at night, take her blood sugar level three times a day and the nurse will adjust her insulin levels when required. We discussed at length the problems, all that are caused because mum lets her blood sugar levels dictate her diet. We also discussed getting some psych analysis done in regard to her anger issues, which i believe are new and a consequence of the brain damage she suffered. The meeting lasted two hours and once it was done Mum asked me if i wanted a sandwich. she them attempted to take her blood sugar level. when i asked her what she was doing, she said she wanted to check to see if she could have a sandwich. I don't know if her short term memory has been affected but it is very concerning. Maybe when we speak with her GP we might have a better idea of what options we have to address this.
I haven't weighed myself for weeks, but have continued to exercise when i can, but nothing structured. The big difference is the lighter nights and better weather, it certainly makes you want to get out and about more. winter is starting to become a distant memory. I don't know what i will do about the weight loss, to be honest i haven't thought much of it lately, as i have been focused on other things. I need to address it as i seem to be more aware that as i get older, carrying this extra weight has bigger health issues and puts me at higher risk for things like diabetes.

its been over a fortnight since i last posted anything. its been a hectic time, culminating in me being treated for bowel spasms today. I spent last night doubled up in pain with stomach cramps. Fortunately the medication i received has started to work already.
Kim was diagnosed as having Sciatica last week, he damaged the nerve sitting in an inflatable chair no less. Her back goes into spasms and locks, so she will need physiotherapy and drugs to alleviate the pain. As much as we try to fight it, we are starting to show our age!!
Aisha has been diagnosed as being within the Autistic Spectrum, with aspects of Asbergers syndrome. As the consultant said, she is a very complex wee girl. The patches to help her bladder are making a huge difference. We are now waiting on the Clinical Psychologist to meet with her to fine tune the assessment, categorise where she appears on the spectrum and decide what help she requires.
My mum will also be getting a psychologist assessment. Last week i was out visiting her while her carer was there. We were discussing her diabetes and how she controls it when she just lost it, swearing her head off at the carer. I was completely shocked. After she had calmed down, i tried speaking to her but she was a different person, all subdued. I phoned the carer that night and she explained that this was fairly typical behaviour of my mum when she got angry. Always about the littlest thing. So we decided the best thing was to get an assessment done. To be honest, i am worried what they will find, and what action they decide needs to be taken!!

Friday past seen me receiving some sad news. A friend of mine, Davie, had been ill for a few weeks. He had started showing definite signs when he started to get Jaundice. He had lost his appetite and then started getting stomach pains. When the jaundice was diagnosed they ran a CT scan and it showed he had a tumour on his pancreas. The tumour is sitting on a vein and they don't want to operate as it is so he will have 5 weeks of chemotherapy before 5 weeks of rest and then the operation followed, most likely by more chemotherapy. When i spoke to him on Friday he was obviously down and i gave him two examples in my experience with Cancer. My Friend Pat who is still going strong, much down to his positive attitude, and my father who gave up the fight before it began and died within 6 months. I told him he had a choice, which path do you want to follow. Fortunately for him he has recently had a baby girl, and this can be his focus, his goal to beat this. He has another appointment today to confirm dates etc with the surgeon.
I fell out with my mum on Friday, the first time since my dad died. She refuses through choice, or through her mental issues, to listen to my advise on how to control her diabetes. I phoned her today to ask how she was and she told me she had went hypo again yesterday. I try to assure her my only concern is her well being but i feel she only hears me nagging her now. I need to address this. I will have a meeting with her carers soon to hear their concerns.
I have been doing a fair bit of running lately, trying to improve my stamina. Slowly but surely i am noticing a difference. I watched a bit of Eddie Izzard last night in amazement at his achievements, and will use that as an inspiration.
The weekend was great with the sun shining, it now feels like we are out of winter and spring really has sprung!!

the restructuring at work has taken place and i am now working out of a portacabin. Truth be told its not as bad as i thought it would be but that wont stop me looking elsewhere for work. I have met with an agency and applied for a couple of jobs. Next month See's the new budgets put in place, which should see the job market expand and hopefully more opportunities.
Mum has been good this past couple of weeks, she seems to be controlling her diabetes far better than usual. The flip side is that Aisha has been having a terrible time of it. She is now on patches for her wetting, and they seem to be working, but getting to this point has been a struggle. The first lot of medication gave her diarrhea. when she came off this, her wetting got worse, as bad as it ever was. She then got tablets that didn't have any effect. Her bladder seemed to fill up like it was supposed to, but the message to the brain to go pee wasn't happening. One night she peed 4 times from 7.30pm to 6.30am, a definite sign things were worse. then on Friday she was given patches, which she keeps on for four days. these are working a treat, she has been dry for three days straight. The bladder fills properly, and the message to the brain is clear. Long may it continue!!
The light nights are nearly here, and the bike has been dusted down, looking forward to getting out and about!!
My good friend Pat got the news he was hoping for, he has been added to the transplant list. i really never had any doubt he would be, i knew his positive outlook would convince the consultants he should be considered. I wish at key times, when i moan about the little things in life that annoy me, like work, i could take a step back and look at Pat's battle and compare my own petty problems. It might make me keep my mouth shut. Well, maybe not!!

the easiest day is yesterday

This weeks been really tough. The only way i can describe it, is like a baseball player having balls thrown at him and as he tires he finds it hard to bat them away. That seems to be me this week, i am really struggling to cope this week. I can see it in my head, the lack of ability to deal with the drip drip drip of problems. Aisha's medicine had to be stopped because of the diarrhea she was getting. The downside was her wetting got ten times worse. One night i put her to bed at 7.30pm. she peed before she went to bed, then when i went to take her for a pee at 10.30pm her bed was soaking. she got really upset at this. She has never been like that. This must be a reaction to the medicine still being in her system. We now have tablets to take once a day, lets hope they have no side effects.
work has been tough. The reality of the changes has hit home. it seems each day i get a reminder of my new position in the company. I am finding it really hard to accept the years of hard work has been rewarded by a demotion and a move to a portacabin. I know the truth is we are all a number, and that i only go here to earn a wage. But i find it hard to have it all ripped away from me. I have been thinking about my dad this week for obvious reasons and maybe, all the changes i am going through are effecting me far more than they should!!
The icing on the cake was Kim was paid off on Wednesday. Looking forward to next week already!!