one small step......

Monday showed a little improvement in mum, she can now nod and shake her head, and she tried to speak but couldn't. The biggest sign for me was when I left her last night and she squeezed my hand. That was enough to show me there is hope. In the afternoon she was moved to ward 25, a general ward. The nurses seem nice and friendly. She will continue to receive hourly tests such as blood tests. No word back on the lumbar puncture, but I don't expect it will show anything.

This morning I am all over the place, i have made about five stupid mistakes at work, I don't know what is up with me. I will work until 1.30pm then head up to the hospital. Visiting hours are from 2-4pm and 6.30-8pm and are a bit stricter than A & E.

Tonight I am going to try and get down to pick up my kettlebell as I need the focus it will bring.

I Dont Like Mondays

I just phoned the hospital to be told there had been little change over night, but that she had tried to speak. I will be at the hospital for 2.30pm where I hope sitting with me alone will encourage her to say something. My limited NLP knowledge will come into affect today when I try to mirror what my dad would do in this situation.
The girls at work have been fantastic in covering for me when my dad died and also just now. It is greatly appreciated and I will shower them with gifts when the time is right.
Lunch is some Covent Garden Broccoli and Stilton Cheese Soup with Tiger Paw loaf. Lovely!!

Sunday Sunday

Sunday was spent going back and forth to the hospital. When i went in mum was sleeping. When she woke she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I tried to be strong but the tears came. I dont think i have ever felt so sad as when i looked into my mums eyes then. At least with dads cancer we knew where we were with it, what to expect, but with this there are still far too many questions.
Over the course of the day she improved slightly but not much. A lumbar Puncture was carried out at around 4pm. This was done more to rule things out such as infection or meningitis rather than to find out what has happened. After the procedure she was tired and as she still cant speak we left her for the night.
The evening was spent speaking to relatives who have been a great support. when dad died and i was speaking to relatives i could feel the tears at the back of my head and had to fight to keep them back, that feeling returned last night. I cant get out of my head the last time I saw my dad. I visited him in the rest room before he was cremated to tell him i loved him and that I would look after mum. I hope he doesnt think i have failed him.
I have changed my work schedule so i can get away early and up to the hospital for afternoon visiting. I will phone this morning to see how she has been. I expect she has been moved to a new ward. I hope there has been some progress, even if it is slight.
This morning I weighed myself. I am 96kg. No surprise there as any structure in my life has gone completely. This week I am going to try and get down to AMAG to pick up the kettlebell Ray has left for me. I desperately need something else to focus on.

Another tough week

This week started badly and has just got a whole lot worse. I started the week with a bug and didnt eat for 48 hours. After recovering from that i got a scare on Wednesday when i couldnt get hold of my mum. As a diabetic she needs to really be careful with her diet and is a constant worry. I finally tracked her down and found out she had been out for lunch. Panic over. Then on Friday at about 6pm Dave phoned to say he couldnt get hold of mum. As it was a time she should have been home he headed out to Inverurie to see if she was ok. He phoned me at 7pm to say she was asleep in what seemed like a hypo state. After an hour of trying to get her to drink lucozade he phoned the G Docs. They decided to send an Ambulance. When they arrived they sorted out her glucose levels but she hadnt changed. They didnt think she had had a stroke but took her into A & E immediately. I arrived at 9.50pm. When i seen her she was lying breathing very heavily with her eyes not focusing and she wasnt responding. After talking to the nurse the next possibility was an overdose. She had been prescribed sleeping pills from the doctor when my dad died and her symptons were similar to those of an overdose victim. Dave had noticede the packet was empty, but when she had tried them she complained they made her groggy and she wasnt going to take any more. After two hours in A & E with no improvement they took her to a ward. When we got to see her she looked like she was sleeping. We left her for the night with more questions than answers.
Today i phoned to be told there was no improvement. When i visited she was more aware of her surroundings but she still wasnt responding. They then decided to take her for a scan. She came back with no sign of bleeding or clotting. So no stroke then. As the day passed there was very little improvement in her condition. It broke my heart to see her this way. Her eyes looked lost like a small child. We spoke with a psychiatrist as the possibility of an overdose was still real. We discussed my father passing and the impact it has had on mum. She felt an intentional overdose seemed unlikely, but an accidental overdose possible. We left to get some food. We returned to the hospital around 5pm and spoke to another doctor. She said it was hard to find what the source of the problem was. Her levels of insulin intake was very low which could indicate the diabetes was a problem. It could be she went hypo and suffered a siezure. It could also be she took too much insulin, and possibly along with the sleeping pills sent her into her current state. We just dont know. We do know she wont have recovered by tomorrow. This could be a slow recovery. There could be permanent brain damage, it may be temporary. I think it will be a while before we have some answers.
Tomorrow i have to phone the doctor in the morning and then will go up to the hospital for the day. Work schedules will need to be changed. I think i might have a pray tonight!
The diet, NLP, fitness schedule, all out the window. That needs to be addressed. But not tonight.

Still in Pain

The pain in my body has gone but the pain in my heart is still there. My beloved Aberdeen were yet again humiliated by a lower league team. How long must us Dons Fans put up with such ineptitude. I wont go into too much details, as I will get angry again and that does no one any favours. I will however say that as a club we must have change. The opportunity for Aberdeen to prosper over the next few years is too great to be squandered. Every club is looking at the credit crunch and will be cutting back. We have positioned ourselves financially so we don't need to. A successful team could see attendances rise where other teams will see a drop. This will increase our revenue and our financial clout. Aberdeen has two people going for every job in the city, where the national average is 10 people for every job. This may mean the crunch doesn't hit as hard here. As a club if we make the best of the opportunities that fall to us and more importantly don't fall to the other clubs in the SPL we can have a real advantage. The saying Success breads success is never more true than in football. Success means money which means power. But it must be done right. And for that to happen Aberdeen must cull the management team now. Enough is enough, no more excuses.

Ouch

I thought yesterday I was in a lot of pain but today is nuts. I can't believe how painful my thighs are. I have also got sore calves, bum, abs, biceps and shoulders. At least they weren't lying about it being the complete workout.
I tried walking last night but was in too much pain. I will give it another try tonight, to see how I get on. I look forward to the day I can go for a crap without being in agony!!!!
In general my life isn't active enough. I work in an office, I drive to work. I need to change the day to day things. Cycling to work isn't an option, purely because of the hazards I would face. I have heard from too many people, including a cycling proficiency instructor, that Aberdeen is far too dangerous a place to cycle day to day. But weekends is different. The roads are quieter and there are far more cyclists out on the road. So this weekend i will look out my bike, clean it up and head out on it.

Living in a Bubble

I have lived the last two weeks in a bubble since my dad died. Today finally things are getting back to normal. The first week after dad passed away i spent arranging the funeral and all the paperwork that goes with it. I also had to be there for my mum who took it really bad. The second week i was on a IOSH Managing Safety course in Altens. So today is the first day back in the office and back to some sort of normality. I need to get some sort of routine back into my life. At least as much as i hate work i know the routine, get up early, go to work, bitch and moan, go home.
Today i am in absolute agony. I attended Ray's Kettlebell workshop at the AMAG gym. the workshop lasted three hours and covered all the basics of kettlebell use, mixed up with some stretching exercises and workouts. For someone who does as little exercise as i do, the three hours was hard going. when we nearly got the the end he had us doing a 7 minute workout that nearly flattened me. Usually when i exercise i feel the pain the day after, but i could feel the tightness in my thighs that night. Today i am walking like an old man, with stairs being a real killer. Tonight I will force myself out for a walk to try and loosen the thighs up, but I am sure tomorrow i will have new areas of pain!!
I have to say the kettlebells really are an excellent training tool. I thought before the workshop i would go along, see how I got on, then if i liked it buy myself a kettlebell for use at home. Now I am not so sure about jumping in straight away. One workshop doesn't make me proficient enough to use them. I think i would pick up bad habits quickly and end up doing myself an injury. I am going to try and get along to a few of Rays classes first, until i am happy that i have a good understanding of the kettlebell. Then i can work out at home. I also think the Key to using them to get maximum benefit is to use them as part of a workout, not just standing doing routine. I think a high tempo workout that incorporated the kettlebells would be good for me, though I am sure i will still have many sore days to come.
I have started reading to Kill a Mockingbird. The great Homer J Simpson put it best when he said
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin . . . but what good does that do me?

its with a heavy heart that i type this, but my father passed away yesterday. His health took a turn for the worse yesterday morning, and by 1.30pm he was gone. I am so glad it happened so quick, and he was in very little pain, not requiring the morphine the doctor had prescribed him. Yesterday was tough for all of us, but today has been easier. My mum will need a lot of support over the next few weeks and months, but i will be there for her.
Today we met the funeral director and got the funeral plans in place. As the eldest son i have to step up and take the responsibility. I just hope i do my dad proud. He was such a huge personality and after all the problems we went through I am so grateful we made up and the last 15 years we had a great relationship. I miss you dad, but know you will be with me always. Don't worry about mum, she's in good hands with me and Dave.