I'm no Quitter

Last night while lying in bed excruciating pain(sorry milking it) I was thinking over the last few weeks and months of my journey, and how much I have achieved. I think the one thing I have gained is knowledge. My concern last night was how I have always seem myself as a quitter. i have quitted more diets than I would care to remember. I have great intentions for so many things and never see them through. The whole purpose of this blog is to control these failings in my life. But as i lay there last night i came to realise I have been too hard on myself. I'm not a quitter. in fact I am the exact opposite. I've been married for 6 years, with a 5 year old quitter. Hey times haven't always been great but I am still there, still trying to make it work. And it is. I have been with my current employer over 11 years. I have hated it at times but am still here. That's not a quitter. I have a season ticket at Pittodrie, and have done for over a decade, the worst spell in the clubs history. That's not the sign of a quitter. its time i wasn't so hard on myself for never seeing anything through, and started focusing on the things I have stuck with. This focus will help get to where I want to get to.

Ouchy

that's the second kettlebell session i have had with Ray and the second time I have been left in agony. Today my shoulders feel like they have sized up and my abs and thighs burn when i move them. What are you doing to me man?? Last night I intended going for a swim. I left the house at 8.45pm but took a call about work on the way. As it was windy i sheltered behind a fence to talk. When the call was finished I went into the swimming pool only to be told the last admission was 9pm and i was 5 minutes late. I had a laugh to myself. Typical me, best intentions gone out the window!! Last night i had a poor sleep as I struggled with the sore shoulders.

Last night I also handled my fast better, not feeling so hungry afterwards. We had a meal of fajitas and i followed that with some fruit later on. My next fast day will probably be Thursday. I might adjust the times so it runs from lunch time to lunch time.

I also finished Animal Farm last night. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. The book is based on Stalin and the Bolshevik uprising. The book splits the different factors into animals with the pigs being the cleverest animals taking the lead and starting out by promising everyone that all animals are equal. But as time progresses the lies and greed that are typical of humans shines through until the communist state the animals hoped to live in turns into a dictatorship that none of them are able to overturn. This book has given me an appetite to read more on the history of Stalin. But not until i have went onto read the other George Orwell novels i have. Next off is Burmese days.

Tonight I am out to see Mum at Inverurie hospital. I phoned this morning and she has settled in well, she is in a small room of two. The doctor visits this afternoon, then the occupational therapist tomorrow. I hope to speak to a nurse to get a better understanding of the rehabilitation plan.

Mum has been moved to Inverurie Hospital and onto the next phase of her recovery. This weekend she was definitely more positive, and stated she was determined to get better, which is half the battle. Tonight I will phone her to see how she has settled in, then go visit her tomorrow.

this weekend has been family time. We went out for a meal on Saturday to TGI Fridays. Never again. Overpriced bland food and huge portions that left us bloated and out of pocket. Sunday we went to see Monsters v Aliens 3D. 3D films work brilliantly in animation and looks like the way to go for future films. Pity it was so pricey, with an adult viewing costing £9.60 each!!

I headed down to AMAG for a session with Ray and the kettlebells. Ray went over a four week programme for em to do at home. Though I struggled in class this programme is short and direct, taking up less than 30 minutes a day 3 times a week. Today I am sore in my shoulders and thighs. If i can, i intend to go for a swim tonight to help ease the muscles.

Today is fasting day, i last ate at 6pm Sunday so have went all day without food and apart from a small time in the afternoon have coped well with it. I am looking forward to my supper though!! Below is a link to an article that has an interesting take on fasting

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071106092013.htm

Lets shift this weight

So that was my first fast. The unusual thing for me was how easy it was. I didn't have any rumbling stomach, no mad food thoughts. What was probably more unusual was that after it finished i had some macaroni cheese in the evening, and then felt hungry the whole night. I would have thought my stomach would have shrunk and the pasta would have filled me up but it seemed to work in the opposite way. I think the times I fast may also need to be changed, but I can work on that. I certainly think the flexibility of fasting two days a week and eating normally the rest is the best option for me.

I worked out my BMI yesterday, it is 31.25 making me officially obese. No news there though, but a benchmark for me to work from. This weekend I will be having more hospital visits, and hopefully a session with Ray down at AMAG. I'm on call with work this weekend so always expect the unexpected!!
As of next week Mum will be out in the Donbank ward at Inverurie hospital. Visiting just got harder!!

Time to Reflect

So much has happened since i started this blog. I thought now would be a good time to look at the original aim and see how far I have progressed. The 5 parts of my revolution were
Health and Fitness
Finance
Family
Culture and Arts
Career

lets look at each one individually

Health and Fitness - this one takes up a lot of my thoughts but not so much of my time. unfortunately time is precious at the moment and the natural thing is to let and plans slide. This isn't an excuse but more a reason, and something I need to address. Maybe I should spend more time thinking of time management!!
I have attended the kettlebells workshop and will hook up with Ray soon. I have bought my own kettlebell and this I am sure will give me good balance in my life. I have also started the new diet, and today I am fasting, and with only two hours left can honestly say it has been easier than I thought. The benefits wont be known for sometime but I am confident I can make it work.
Conclusion - could do better
Finance - once again I am sure there is more I can be doing, but I am slowly getting to where I want to be. The truth is addressing the problem was the biggest step and the rest should be easy. Never intended to be solved overnight I am happy with the small progress I have made
Conclusion - on the right path
Family - Since the original blog post so much has changed. What I shall say is I am finding it a strain to keep everyone happy, including myself, but feel the responsibility and am determined to do the right thing for everyone. I hope to get the balance right.
Conclusion - tough going but just about keeping it together!
Culture and Arts - another one that is hard when time is so limited, but I am happy that I am getting away form the couch potato I was once. The quality of my reading is improving, having just finished To Kill a Mockingbird I am now onto Animal Farm. It doesn't have much resemblance to the film of the same name I watched as a teenager though!! I also picked up the guitar last night which felt good. I will try and make that more regular.
Conclusion - could do better
Career - Well the Global Credit Crunch has put paid to any idea of moving jobs this year, but what with all that is happening in my private life that's OK, a few months wont hurt

So my overall conclusion is I could be doing much better, but for now I wont be beating myself up about it. My focus has to be being there for others around me. Things will change so much over the next few months that it is hard to make any definite plans, but I fell if anything my knowledge of where I want to be has improved.

the goal posts move again

Mum is now in ward 50. when i visited last night and spoke to the nurse they had very little knowledge of her and her background. So i sat and talked about what had happened and what she was like before the overdose. The nurse told me they were now looking to move her to Inverurie hospital to a slow go rehabilitation programme. The other one they do is at Woodend Hospital but has a long waiting list. She also told me to phone Dave and discuss the long term future as it is likely she wont be able to go home to her own home again. This is completely different to last week when they were discussing her going home with some assistance. I haven't had the heart to tell her she wont be going home yet, firstly because I think it will upset her and secondly because i don't know how true it is. Every doctor and nurse has told me a different story, who do I believe. The fact is she is not safe to go home just now, but how much will that change over the next few weeks and months. The nurse last night was great and made the effort to phone everyone involved, consultants, occupational therapists, psychiatrists, to get there take on things. We should have a clearer picture next week.
I have started my 24 hour fast. It started at 7pm last night, so i am already over 12 hours in. This will mean I can have something to eat tonight. Last night I also got the guitar out. As you may remember this was one of the aims in my original revolution. I managed to get it tuned last night. Anything to avoid watching the Apprentice!! I am also continuing to look at ways to reduce my outgoings. More on that to come.

its been a few days since i last posted. Mum is still in hospital and the roller coaster continues to run. She has had her MRI scan but hasn't received the results back. I spoke to a Doctor on Monday who advised it was highly likely she has permanent brain damage. The extent if this is still unclear. We discussed what the next stage of her treatment is. She doesn't need medical assistance so they are keep to discharge her from hospital. The problem is she cant go home on her own. This was evident when last night Dave phoned to say Mum had went missing. The hospital had phoned to say they couldn't find her. She was being moved wards and was in the television room waiting confirmation of what ward she was going to. She told a nurse she was off to have a cigarette, even though she hasn't smoked in over three weeks, is on patches, and had no money!! when she returned she went to the first floor TV room instead of the second floor, and everyone panicked. A perfect example of why she cant go home on her own!!
All her tests will be done by the end of this week and a meeting is scheduled for next week to decide the best plan. They mentioned Inverurie Hospital to me this morning as an option, I will know more tonight.
Over the past few days I have been looking at various diets and fitness regimes. My life is all over the place just now with so many commitments i am finding it impossible to stick to any given plan, be it dietary or fitness. But that shouldn't mean i cant tackle the main issue in this blog, to lose weight. i came across a system called EatStopEat. The basis of this fat loss programme is to fast two days a week. This means in any given week you are removing 4000 plus calories from your weekly intake. It also requires strength exercises to build muscle tissue. This would be where the kettlebells would come into play!
I have to explain that I have tried to lose weight more times than I care to remember. I know the majority of times it is due to my lack of willpower and lack of discipline. But this system of fasting twice a week followed by normal eating patterns combined with weight based workouts is something that is very flexible. For example the fasting. It is required for a 24 hour period. On Monday i have my last meal at 6pm. I then don't eat for 24 hours, meaning I cant eat until 6pm Tuesday. This means though i am fasting for 24 hours i am not missing one whole day of eating. It is also flexible in that if Tuesday isn't a good day, say i am having lunch with someone through work, i can then change it to Wednesday. Now whether or not the claims about helping weight loss and increasing the metabolism are true, i honestly don't know. While doing my research i found arguments for and against fasting. But due to its flexible nature I will give it a try.
The fitness side has to be more structured. i need to hook up with Ray at AMAG to get the kettlebells workout he has written for me. I was swinging the bell on Monday out in my back garden and it felt good, though i am still convinced my technique isn't great, but with practice it will get better.
I have also been looking into rearranging my finances and working my budget harder but more of that later this week.

heres an email i recieved tonight from a website i subscribe to. I like the approach and will incorporate it into my plan. it also relies heavily ona process very similar to NLP.

Goal Setting, Really?Goal setting is an important piece of any changes that you make in your life. Whenever you get started making changes in any way I am sure that you have found that the giddiness that you feel at the beginning feels like it will keep you going as long as it takes. After a while we all know that doubts creep in and before you know it the excitement is replaced by doubt and the things that seemed important now feel like a chore. Well if we start every new plan by setting goals correctly we will have more than a fighting chance once the excitement fades we will have A PLAN. Goal setting is a simple process, you decide what you want, make lists of why you want your goals as well as a list of what could stop you, make a plan decide what you will use as goal posts as you move toward the goal and finally once you reach your goal you celebrate the achievement. Let's try this out with a weight loss goal: Goal, to lose 30 pounds Why, to feel and be more healthy, prove to myself I can do anything What could stop me, people offering food, bad weather for workouts, tiredness Plan, to do cardio 3 days a week and weights 2 days a week, to cut the size of my meals, to cut out all sugar except for once a day, get lots of sleep to rest from the changes and workouts Goal posts, lose 2 pounds per week, 30 pounds should be lost in 15 weeks, adjust diet and exercise as needed Celebrate, after finishing this weight loss get a family picture taken with me in new clothes .This goal setting system is almost fool proof, the only thing that you should add if you can is a partner and someone that you can talk to about your progress, a spouse maybe or a personal trainer if it is a exercise goal. Now go forward and make some goals! One more thing that I learned from listening to Tony Robbins is that when you do make a goal don't leave the site of a goal without taking an action towards it's attainment.There is a concept called SMART goals that I want to quickly outline so that from now on in your life any wish can really be converted to a goal. A smart goal is Specific, measurable, acceptable, realistic and has a time attached to it.Specific: Provide enough detail so that there is no indecision as to what exactly you should be doing when the time comes to do it. A goal of: "Study biology" is poor. Should you be reading your text? If so, what pages? Or should you be looking over your lecture notes? A much better goal would be: "Read pp. 12 - 35 in biology text, write questions in the margin of text, and practice answering those questions after reading." Measurable: Your goal should be such that when you are through you have some tangible evidence of completion. It feels good to see something there in front of you indicating a job well done. Equally important, you will be able to prove to yourself that you were successful and your time wasn't wasted. The end result of a goal such as "Read Chapter 3" cannot be reliably assessed. Did you fully understand the words when you looked at the pages? A much better goal would be: "Read Chapter 3 and then write a summary from memory." The summary would indicate that you in fact did read the chapter and would allow you to evaluate your degree of understanding. Producing tangible evidence requires ACTIVE studying on your part, which research clearly suggests will produce superior learning and retention. Acceptable: Your goal should be set by you rather than by someone else. You know best your strengths and weaknesses, and can use this information to maximize your chances of success. Realistic: Don't plan to do things if you are unlikely to follow through. Better to plan only a few things and be successful rather than many things and be unsuccessful. Success breeds success! Start small, with what you can do, experience the joys of meeting your goal, and only then gradually increase the amount of work that you ask of yourself. Setting goals in which every minute in the day is accounted for is unrealistic; unplanned events will crop up and wreak havoc with your schedule. Give yourself some flexibility. Time frame: Say when you plan to work at your goal, e.g., between 4:00 - 5:00 p.m. Anything that will take you more that two hours to complete, break into smaller, more manageable chunks. What to do today and tomorrow I want you to think hard about why you subscribed to these emails. Did you want to lose weight? How much weight? Sid you want to get stronger? How much stronger? Is there unhealthy parts of your life that you need to make changes to?Make a list of these and fall the rules above for setting SMART goals and get your doubts out of the way and figure out what you really want.

were still waiting for my mums scan. once this is done we will know if there is any brain damage and can move onto the next stage. The ward doctor is looking into putting her into Woodend Hospital in a rehabilitation ward or Smithfield home. As she lives in Inverurie they may also put her into a home there. As far as we are concerned this will be a temporary placement until she is fit to go home on her own.
The fitness once again has taken a back seat. I am finding it hard to split my time between work commitments, family life and hospital visits. The diet is back on track, i am eating 5-6 small portions a day and cutting out the snacks. Long may this continue.
Tomorrow I have 2 guys from Shell in Holland visiting for meetings and will be the perfect host. I will be taking them out for lunch, and it will be salad for me!!

Today I am getting away from work early to speak with the ward doctor. My mum seems confused and expects to be going home soon. She is still no way near being able to cope on her own, and hopefully the doctor will answer some of my questions and we can start to make some plans for the future.
My wright is still the same but no surprise there as I have been all over the place, with no forward planning.
I have been doing some research on the internet about weight loss. I kept going back to read about hi intensity interval training or HIIT. his looks like a very good routine for burning fat, and also something I can do alongside the kettlebell training.
The money saving is also going well. I am still in a bit of shock as to how ignorant I have been but am glad I finally came to my senses. The recovery will be tough but worth it.

Rollercoaster

its been up and down this week at the hospital. mum is making good progress. After getting used to the fact she will be admitted to Cornhill we were then told there was no need. Then the doctors discussed what her requirements will be when she gets out. That has raised her hopes, maybe too much. She is still well away from being released. She still gets easily confused, she repeats herself, and her speech is still not right. Yesterday she got a sickness and diarrhea bug. She had already lost a lot of weight and this knocked her for six. When i visited she was so weak she was falling asleep in mid sentence. I left her to get a good sleep. I am heading up this afternoon, where my aunt Ethel will be visiting for the first time. This will be the first visitor my mum has had except me Dave Lara and Kim. Everyone was concerned about visiting her before as we weren't sure of her state of mind. Now she seems more stable. Hopefully this visit will pick her spirits up and wont upset her too much.
I was swinging the kettlebell again this week, and could feel it in my thighs the next day. I went out for a jog/walk beforehand to get the metabolism kicking in. I have been looking into methods to increase my metabolism to help with weight loss. I will post these next week.
I got myself a new phone yesterday. The new contract will save me £10 a month. Along with the £20 I will get for recycling my phone I will save £140 a year. We also cancelled Sky this week so will be with BT Vision from the 10th May. Both savings will be welcomed. We sat down and went through our finances and were shocked by the outcome. Not that we are in serious financial trouble, but the reality is we are both crap with money, and have no budget to work with. Our monthly income is down at least £1000 a month since the downturn. But we have never adjusted our spending. This can be traced back years where regardless how much came in we spent as we seen fit. This was very foolish on our part, but the fact is we have now woken up to it and have decided on a budget. It wont be easy but will benefit us greatly in the long run. I will continue to find areas to save money, while also attempting to pay off our debts. We are probably the same as millions out there but no more. As we don't have much of a social life, the budget shouldn't be too hard to stick to, and the visibility of debts being reduced should give us the inspiration to continue.
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and the forecast is good. I plan to head to out on the bike for an early run before swinging the kettlebell. My sister in law Susan and nephew Kerr are up from Southampton so the day will be split between my in laws and the hospital. This last year has told pending me family is so important, and I am looking forward to spending a good day with them.

A little hope

I spoke to the Psychiatrist Doctor yesterday who is still confident Mum can make a full recovery which is encouraging. Today she goes for another CT Scan to see if they can see any damage that may have been done. Mum still talks like she's not all there, and seems blissfully happy, but we can still see progress and that is all that matters.
Yesterday I spoke about sorting out my finances. the first change I am going to make it to get rid of Sky and sign up to BT Vision. It is the same price as Sky(£19.50 a month) but it also gives me Setanta which was costing me £10.99 a month. it also has movies and on demand TV. This should help my aim of getting off the sofa. No excuses for waisting a whole evening just because i want to watch a programme at 9pm. I can either record it, or watch it on demand. So i will save £132 a year and lose a little temptation to sit around all night.
Next on the list is my mobile phone, which is at the end of its contract. I have figured i could get a cheaper contract and sell on my phone. I have still to decide how I am going to use the extra money I save, but i need a definite budget to control all this. I'm working on it!!
Received an email from Ray at AMAG asking about how the kettlebells. Have asked him for a plan as he is the master and knows far more than me and can show me a good variety of workouts. I hope to get down to AMAG some Sunday to take part in his class. Lets hope the thighs don't hurt like last time!!

A fairly hectic weekend with phone calls and hospital visits. No improvement in mum. She was moved to Cornhill on Friday then two hours later shipped back to Foresterhill as they weren't convinced her diabetes was under control. Hopefully she will move this week.
I spoke to the Psychiatric Doctor at Foresterhill who thought she would make a full recovery form any brain damage that was done. Last night me and Dave weren't so sure as she seems happy to be in hospital, happy to be going to Cornhill, and very confused. I also found out today she has been on anti-depression tablets for the last few days.
Saturday saw my horse Mon Mome winning the Grand National at 100/1. i only picked it 'cause i thought it sounded like C'mon Mum. Shame I only stuck £1 e/w on but the £127 will come in handy.
While doing my mums finances last week I realised it was something I haven't addressed properly in my own life. This blog was originally set up to address the issues of my life I wanted to change, and finance was one of them.
This weekend I went through my finances. What a mess. Not so much the debt I am in but how unorganised I have been. I will sit down and work out a reasonable budget. I will then address the changes I need to make. For example, my utilities need to be changed. I am sure I am paying far too much for my gas and electricity. My mobile phone is up for renewal, so i can change that to a cheaper tariff. I should have been on top of these but haven't. I dread to think how much I have wasted over the years, but no more. I have also been thinking of ways to make savings and to make it fun. One I thought of was music. I am a big music fan but know there is a saving to be made. So I am going to challenge myself to not spend any money on music this year, without illegally downloading music. So all my music must come from Free downloads, gifts and also from any trade i can do. For example, if i sold something on Ebay, then traded that for music. I think i can make a go of this, as i love listening to new music, and a lot of that is now free through downloads as promotion of there material. Lets see how i get on.
I weighed myself today but no difference form last week. No surprise there as this week past has been a bit hectic and my meals haven't been organised, which usually means eating more crap than what is good for me. But i have the garage cleared and tonight will be my first proper kettlebell session. I have had some swings but tonight will be more organised sticking to a routine.

Things are looking up

yesterday was a good day. Mum has a nurse at her bedside all the time as she is still considered a risk to herself, and with a syringe of insulin on her machine she has the ability to try and commit suicide again. She seemed very cheery, smiling away. Her speech is better, nearly managing full sentences. It makes things so much easier when she can talk back to you. She asked how Aisha was which was great.
I tried to keep things light hearted as I didn't want to upset her. We joked about how bad the food was, and i got her to pick a horse in the grand National. The plan is to move her to Cornhill over the weekend if they can stabilise her eating which will level out her insulin requirements. The nurse told me it was more comfortable and the food was better!!
Mum still seems distant in that I don't know how much she is aware of her situation. The possibility of permanent brain damage is still very real and only time will tell.
I cleared a space in the garage to do the kettlebells. I had a swing of them last night and it felt good, but i didn't stick to any plan.
Today I woke up to hear Kim throwing up!!! She has sickness and diarrhoea. So I will be picking Aisha up from school today. Her Easter holidays start today. She's very excited. Kim isn't so!!

Improvement Every Day

Yesterday there was a slight improvement with mum, which at this moment is all we can ask for. She managed some tea and toast, and managed to say yes and no, she managed to say Aisha, and she tried to say more but at the moment it isn't coming. But a small improvement every day is fine. Dave went out to Inverurie to tidy up the house, turn off the heating etc and to look for some clues to see if we could work out what has happened. In her bedroom he found a note. On one side was a letter to me and Dave telling us what mum wanted done when she died. This was no surprise to me as she told me she was to write this and was going to get my uncle to sign it. But on the back she had written how she couldn't live without my dad and for us not to think to bad of her. This as you can imagine broke my heart. I can honestly say I felt no anger towards her for what she had done, only pity. But pity won't help her through this. A show of strength from her sons and a vision of what she still has in front of her is what she needs.
For all the discussions we have had, suicide was the one option we didn't think was possible. We spoke to a psychiatrist who told us that diabetics are usually successful in committing suicide as they can overdose on insulin. So we dismissed this. Now we know we were wrong. Speaking to relatives we are all in agreement she never showed any suicidal tendencies. Looking at it now, the one sign that we may have missed was that she was coping better than anyone expected. I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I need to focus on what i need to do to help mum.
Today i am heading out to Inverurie to pay for my dads funeral, to sort out my mums bank account, as i expect her to be in hospital for a good while. A nurse from Cornhill sat with her last night and i expect once she is off the drip she will be moved to Cornhill for assessment.
Through all this Dave has been great, we are really working as a team now, and it fells good. No one makes me laugh like Dave, we are really close again, and i am determined that is how it is going to stay.