Interview

I just found out i didn't get the job. How did i find out? one of the girls i work with went for a job in the newly created department and was interviewed by the lad who got it. Nice way to find out. Tells me everything about my employers!! A New Year A New Job!! I have been assured a job is here for me which is some comfort with Christmas so close but the new year will see me put all my effort into moving onwards and upwards!

its been a long while since i posted anything, and i will get back into the swing of it, but not just yet. This month has been a nightmare, and my ability to cope is weakening. Two weeks ago we got the dreaded redundancy letters, 15 out of a group of 80. As you can imagine a grey cloud has hung over everyone since, even more so when we started to find out who was safe and who wasn't. If your face fitted, you were in!! Today i have a job interview for my own job, a hob i very much doubt i will get. I then have to hang on in and hope i don't get paid off in the new year. What a great Christmas this is lining up to be. e then found out last week after Aisha was tested for Autism at her school, that a similar test was done when she was at nursery age 3, and that the results showed she came slap bang in the middle of the autistic spectrum. Not on the edge!! Slap bang in the middle. were we told? No you better believe we weren't. It boils my blood to know that the suspicions that Kim has had for years had foundation, but it was never shared with her. Crazy, absolutely crazy. The second test they done showed she is still within the spectrum but because her communication has improved she is further outside than before. As the letter from the psychologist said, "Aisha is a complex wee girl" I have still to phone the psychologist, i have decided to wait a few days so i can remain calm when we speak.
I also feel like shit, with sore muscles, a sore throat and very tired. Kim thinks its swine flu, i think i am just getting old!!

NLP

I am still plugging away at the Structure of Magic, my god it is a heavy read. I am reading about the meta model at the moment. Truth be known, the book is to deep for my limited knowledge and i jumped in too deep with this one, but I will see it through to the end.
We are still waiting for word of the Autism testing, most likely into the new year. i continue to go running/walking, wishing the sun was out and i could be out on my bike. The hours i work means i don't see much Sun, but I don't suffer from SAD, so it doesn't get me down.

Friday the 13th

Last night i went out in the pouring rain for a run. It was very hard work. I used the interval training method, switching from sprints(well my form of sprints) to a jog or walk. Really struggled near the end but felt good for it when i got home.
Today I managed to get an emergency appointment at the dentist to find out i have an infection and will need root canal treatment, great!!

Hells Bells

Spent last night clearing the garage. Finally swung the kettlebell again, and it felt really good. My thighs were really burning by the end but it felt good to be at it again. With all the distractions i forgot that exercise really helps to clear the mind, to help you focus. I wont forget that again.

a step closer

Kim had a meeting with the doctor about Aisha today and he agreed to do the 5 tests required to diagnose Autism. After a lengthy chat he agreed it seemed less likely she had selective mutism and more like she is on the Autistic Spectrum. This has left me feeling strange. I am glad we may be moving closer to finding the cause of the problems, i feel bad that i doubted Kim, and i feel sad that Aisha has more problems to deal with. But tonight will be a family night with lots of cuddles and fun and games. If its dry we will go out to watch the fireworks.
Last night we went to the university library and stocked up on some books on Autism. I also managed to pick up the Structure of Magic I & II by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. I am going to go full steam ahead with NLP to see if i can help myself, but more importantly use it to help me understand Aisha better and to help her.

Stuck in the Middle with you

The last few days have been a struggle. Lets start with Aisha. Her wetting herself has returned to a daily event. Her behaviour with Kim is also getting worse. Kim has broke down a couple of times lately, and seems to have taken as much as she can. There has been a lot of tears. We had a long talk on Monday. She is convinced Aisha has a form of Autism. We have a doctors appointment with the pediatrician that has looked at Aisha since she was born, and will raise the concerns there. Kim had listed all the issues she has with Aisha, some I see, some I don't. But what is clear to me now is i must support Kim 100% at the moment. I really don't know what to think. I have read a bit about Autism and it seems to me Kim is clutching at straws but what is clear is that discounting it at the moment is pushing her away and making her feel isolated which i cant do. She needs my support. So everything has to go on the back burner just now, my full concentration is Kim and Aisha. I have shifted my work day to start at 6.30am so i can get finished earlier, though working in the oil industry means that's not guaranteed. i have to be there as much as i can. The balancing acts comes with my mum. I have to be there for her as well, but not to the detriment of Kim and Aisha. So far she is back home and coping fine, long may it continue!!
I went out to Inverurie last night to collect my old car, it had been with a mechanic getting work done for me to sell it. When i got there the engine was dead and there was about an inch of rainwater on the floor of the drivers side. The smell of mould was evident. Just what i needed!!!!

its been a while

i havent posted for a good long time so here's a quick update. Last week i was off on holiday, didnt go anywhere but was great to spend time with the family. The weather was terrible but we still had a good time, playing the Wii, watching DVD's. Then on Sunday got a phone call to say mum had been taken into hospital, the carer had to call an ambulance as mum had went hypo. Spent the afternoon in A&E waiting room, finally got to see mum to be told she would be kept in overnight, so i had to nip out to Inverurie to get an overnight bag for her. Met a lad Kevin in A&E who i knew from years back, his mum was also in. When i went back in at night mum was anxious because she hadnt taken her pills or her insulin. Told her not to worry, she was in the best place to deal with that. Me and Dave had a long chat to her about her diabetis, something she hasnt been able to control since Dad died. If she could get it under control her life would be so much better. When we left the hospital we bumped in to Kevin again. I asked how his mum was and he said he was told not to expect her to make it through the night. She had fallen and dislocated her arm that afternoon, but at some stage had been sick, which had went into her lungs. The poor lad looked absolutely devastated. I really felt for him. Your whole world can be turned upside down in a second. I had a troubled sleep that night thinking of many things that have effected me lately.
We expected mum to get out on the Monday but they kept her in until Tuesday night. I worked late and headed up to take her home. Kim had texted me to ask if i would be home to bath Aisha but i had to say sorry no. Then mum was on the phone chasing me to hurry up as she wanted home. I could feel myself stuck in the middle. I collected mum, rushed out to Inverurie, dropped her off then rushed back into town to try and catch some time with Aisha. When i got in Aisha was on the toilet and Kim was in tears. What was wrong i asked? Aisha had peed herself. She is 6 now and this has been a constant battle. Kim blames herself. She also suspects there could be more to it, possibly Autism. I disagree and this can cause arguments. I washed Aisha and put her to bed, then went to speak to Kim but tension was in the air and we didn't get anywhere.
The next day i went on the Internet to see what i could find. I came across an organisation called ERIC, Education and Resource for Improving Children's incontinence. Hopefully they can give us some answers. I have printed off some literature and started reading through it. I read Aisha a story from there site last night, about a little boy who has trouble pooing. Maybe if she can relate to someone Else's story we can understand her better.
the fitness regime was due to be restarted on Monday after my holiday but has been delayed due to other commitments. I am still staying active, and have made a conscientious decision to take the more active choice. Walked to the library last week rather than drive. Took the stairs rather than the lift. I have noticed a general improvement in my health, not breathing out my arse when i climb a set of stairs, that kind of thing, but i want so much more. the difference, i suppose, is i have the tools, the know how, the inspiration, the only thing i don't have now is the excuse!!

lets keep it brief

things have been hectic lately, work is mad, we have a huge project on that is keeping me in the office for 12 hours a day and keeping me up at night with homework and phone calls. This is going to continue on to next week, when i get a few days off. After that i will pick up this blog again but until then i wont get the time to update. Though things aren't going to plan, i fell more empowered than before and that is a big step forward.
This weekend is mum and dads wedding anniversary so me Dave and Mum will visit the memorial garden, lay flowers and remember the good times.

Dicky Bow Time

Tonight i am heading to the Exhibition Centre for Aberdeen FC's Annual Gala Dinner, with guest speakers Jackie Charlton and Razor Ruddock. It should be a good night though this depends on the company at my table. Tomorrow Aisha has a birthday party so i have to be good tonight, well maybe half good.
The weather has certainly turned for the worse. Last weekend was terrible and there are more high winds due this week. I need to repair my fence tonight, as it got some damage last weekend. The last thing i need is for it to go flying!!
I was reading back over this blog recently and i have hardly mentioned my fitness routine so that will feature more in depth next week!

Today i Held save a life

Today I helped save a life, i donated blood. I am a bronze medal holder, meaning i have gave more than 10 times, but today was the first time in over two years since i had last given. This came as a surprise, funny how time flies!
I have also signed up to the organ donor website to donate my organs once i am gone.
While lying down giving blood it got me thinking to what else i could be doing. I don't give enough to charity and there must be something i can contribute. My time is precious but i do have some spare. So my thinking cap is on and i will see what i can do. I have a variety of good causes that have effected me closely, cancer, Leukemia, cerebral palsy, diabetes. Lets see what happens

Another Year

Today i turn 38 and time for more reflection. I have been thinking about my dad more than usual lately, nothing weird, just happy memories. I sometimes look at Aisha and wonder about our relationship and what road it will take, then think of my own journey with my dad, all the ups and downs. Fortunately i only remember the goods times, choosing not to focus on the bad. Its mum and Dads wedding anniversary on the 17th, and i think me and Dave are going to spend the day with her, which will include a visit to the crematorium memorial garden, a very peaceful place where we can share memories.
So today I am in reflection mode, but also looking forward. I'm thinking hows its time me and Kim were cracking on with having another kid. We have tried, and Kim has miscarried once, but so far nothing. But maybe now its time to get more scientific, look at charts and times and all that. I hope i can learn from my short comings as a dad first time round. Or maybe that should be learn of my short comings as a husband! When Aisha was younger, and work was busy and stressful i was guilty of letting Kim deal with far too much at home, assuming because she was home full time with Aisha she was coping. Things got on top of her and she struggled for a while. We talked and it opened my eyes. Ignorance is bliss as they say. This time it will be different. I think I also realise more now than ever how important family and friends are.
Saying all that if Kim doesn't get me The Stone Roses box set for my birthday today she better start looking for a new home!!

Guess who's Back

Its great having Dave back from Australia. No one understands Mum better than me and Dave so to speak to him about issues has been great. He had a great holiday, and was shattered when i met up with him. Loved the Cork hat and the boomerang though!!
Mum has been causing us yet more concerns lately. Last week she threw one of her carers out of her house. She said the carer, while speaking about Dave being in Australia, asked mum which son she was closer to. When asked the carer claimed all she said was it was good mum was so close to her sons. I spoke to mum about it and she was adamant she was asked that question and it was nothing to do with the carer. I spoke to the care manager about it, and discussed a few issues. We then met at mums house, but i decided not to offer any opinion but to be there as support only. The matter was resolved, where the carer, who is from the Philippines, is returning home at the end of the year, so she wont visit my mum again. This might complicate things if they are short staffed!
That night i phoned Kerry from the Care Company to discuss all that had happened. I told her that i didn't believe my mums version of events but i had to be seen to be supporting her as if she felt she didn't have my full support we would be in trouble. She agreed with me but did point out a repeat of this would put them in a tricky position. She raised some more concerns about mum, mainly that she felt the brain damage was more severe than first thought. What i perceived to be as laziness when it comes to house work etc, may now be a lack of understanding on mums part to carry out these functions.
Mum is also eager to come of the anti-depressants. In one week she went to the doctor and got her dosage reduced, then told the grief councillors she didn't think she needed another visit. I don't know if this is right, but will keep a close eye on things to see how she is.

Schedule

My schedule is a bit crazy just now, work is very busy with a recent project taking up 65 hours a week of my time just now, pays well but tiring. Dave is back form his holiday which is great, and mum is causing some concern but that's a post in itself!! Today i am very tired as i was down in Glasgow seeing the Pixies. They are doing a 20th Anniversary tour for their Doolittle Album. Watching them play out the album in its entirety last night just showed what a classic album it is, every single song is a belter, not like now when three goods songs means an album gets a 7/10 rating. There wasn't much interaction with the crowd but the songs stood up for themselves. Suffering today but well worth it.
the fitness is going fine, time is still an issue but i hope but writing it down i will notice the difference. the weight is still refusing to shift, though i had a night out last week and have another one this week so wont expect miracles. I turn 38 this week so am sure there will be plenty reflection.

Exercise for the Petrified

Mum has started a computer course called Computing for the Petrified. It is a step before Computing for Beginners. She is really enjoying it and getting out and about is good for her. her thinking behind starting the course is that if Dave does move to Australia she can keep in contact with him through email. Good on her, i hope she continues with it.
It also got me thinking. my exercising has been very haphazard lately, more trying to shove in when i can rather than with any structure. his makes it hard to gauge any progress. So last night i sat down and wrote up a schedule. I wont divulge just yet, as no doubt thinks will strive to prevent me completing it and i will need to tweak it as i go. But it is basic, with running, swimming, cycling, kettlebells and press ups being the basis for the routine. I will report back next week on my progress, but this way i should be able to see and feel some improvement.
This isn't anything new, i have had routines for months, especially the kettlebells one, but never kept to them. I thought this was OK, but now realise the importance of them for self development.

broken windows - part 2

i promised a follow up with my thoughts on broken windows, finally i have the time to do it!!

Our vice president gave a talk at a meeting a couple of months back, about the need to improve our customer service as a company. we have slipped to the third largest market share of Energy Services companies in the UK. This was a direct result of poor customer service. He showed the analogy of the broken windows and how it relates to our company. When someone is performing badly, and others witness this, they see it as being acceptable and copy it. Before you know it the majority are performing poorly. Then this poor standard becomes the norm.
I was really impressed with the presentation, maybe not so impressed with how the problem would be addressed internally. But it certainly made me think. Then that night me and Kim went to Tesco to do some shopping. When we were done we put the shopping in the boot of the car. Kim then went to drop off the trolley. But instead of putting the trolley back in the bay they are kept in, she just left it on the walkway. When she got in the car I asked her why she did that. "Well" she said, "look over there, someone else has dumped their trolley as well" It kinda hit me, this was our VP's broken window analogy in practice again.
I couldn't get it out of my head, it stayed there for a few days, mostly thinking of how it fitted into a work environment. Then I realised that the broken window analogy was typical of my life cycle. I start a diet on a Monday, three four days it is going fine, i am exercising and eating well, then maybe one thing goes wrong, i have to work late, or i have bad day, and the diet goes out the window, followed by the fitness routine, then it all goes to pot. Everything works in relation to everything else. So the key to all this is to stop the broken windows, or if one does get broken to repair it straight away!!

Broken Windows

Our Vice President has came up with a new scheme to improve the service quality of my company. The link is below, i'll give my thoughts later

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/198203/broken-windows

nlp revisited

I need to get back into the NLP groove. I haven't picked up a book in over a month and on Friday i had a situation where NLP would have let me handle it better. A lad in my department was getting into a habit of slacking off on Friday afternoons, usually our busiest time. He is always the first one away on a Friday, and his mobile starts going with texts from his mates getting ready to head for the pub. When he is on call and has to work late he starts to humf and moan about it. So i had to take him aside and remind him his responsibilities and also that we all work the same in the department. The message got through as he was last to leave on Friday, but i felt i could have handled it better. I built up some tension within myself before speaking with him, which in turn meant to start with i didn't get my message across as clear as i would have liked. There are other aspects of my life that NLP will help, in fact quite a lot, so i will get the book out, read it and put the theories into practice.

mum

this post has been two weeks in the making and may drag on a bit. Just over two weeks ago i had a meeting with Alison from Inverurie Hospital, Kerry from the Care Co that is looking after mum and myself. Mum was also there. We decided it was a good time to meet up as mum had been down for a few days and seemed to lack motivation. She was also having problems with her diabetes and was going hypo too many times.
So we sat and chatted about things. The first subject was the care my mum was receiving. She has three different carers go in and see her three times a day, 8.30am, 12.30pm and 5pm. She also gets two visit a week of two hours so she can go shopping, or out somewhere. The main problem is mum doesn't utilise the carers to her best advantage. When they ask if she needs help with her housework she tells them she can manage fine, but then she doesn't motivate herself to do it. They help her with her shopping but for the most they just keep a check on her making sure she is coping. This frustrates her and i can appreciate that. We discussed how best to work with the carers, that they were there to help, not just to check up on her.

We then spoke about her sleeping. She said she was sleeping fine, but Kerry raised concerns with this. Mum had a heat rash and received medication from her doctor. It had made her drowsy and once i had to go out and let the carer in as she had overslept. Kerry advised that mum had taken these tablets to help her sleep as she had been having trouble lately. Well obviously this was a big no no and a shocker! So we discussed this, and decided she needs to address this with her doctor. She is still on anti-depressants and this was to be reviewed. Kerry agreed to go with mum to the doctor to discuss things.


We discussed at length her diabetes. She is really struggling with it, her blood sugar level is all over the place. Alison said she would arrange a meeting with the diabetic nurse to try and get a better understanding of where it is going wrong. Mum said when her blood sugar levels are high she feels lethargic, but when it is low she feels energetic. Problem is when she drops too low she runs the risk of going hypo!


We also discussed the bereavement counselling my mum had received. She told us they had said they couldn't help her as long as she was on anti depressants. This sounded strange so it was agreed to review this and to contact Cruise(the bereavement councillors) for a new appointment. I offered to attend but Mum said she would prefer to meet on her own.


Mum said she wanted a dog. We had spoke about this and decided it would be a good thing, so the search will begin.


Finally i suggested a couple of things to help. One was a to do list, that everyone could write in, and it may help motivate mum. Secondly i asked if she could write down what she was spending. As i am looking after her money i am finding it a bit tough to keep her within budget. Nothing serious but writing things down would help.


So that was the meeting, everyone was happy, and progress was made.

I continued to phone each day, she seemed fine. But a few thing started to concern me. She was very reluctant to write anything on her to do list, or write down what money she was spending. I tried to reassure her saying it wasn't me checking up but trying to help. Then last week Dave left for a months trip to Australia. I phoned her on the Sunday then the Monday and she seemed down. She hadn't done anything that weekend, even though the weather was good. On the Monday i was down with a sickness bug and she phoned concerned I hadn't phoned her. That was fine and we spoke for a bit. Then on Tuesday i still had a touch of diarrhea and phoned her and she was ok. On Wednesday Kim came down with the bug i had, so i had to head home, get Aisha ready for school then take her down. Just as i was about to leave Kerry phoned me to say she couldn't get into the house. Dilemma. What do i do. Aisha had to get to school but i couldn't leave mum going hypo. Fortunately Kerry phoned back to say mum was up, she could see her through the window, but was walking about in a daze not responding. After a few minutes she managed to get her attention and get her to open the door. She said she would phone the nurse. Enough time for me to get Aisha to school and then i headed out to Inverurie. When i got there the nurse was gone but mum was sat with Kerry. She seemed a bit dazed. She explained after being hypo she usually felt ill for the rest of the day. his was a change from when i was a kid, as usually if she went hypo she was in a good mood afterwards. We talked for a bit, discussed what had happened. Then Kerry left, and i walked her to the door where we chatted for a few minutes. She raised a few concerns one of which was mums ability to put on a show that everything is fine when it isn't. I thanked her for her help and went in to speak to mum.

I tried to get to the source of what was up. she had been down for a few days, and had rejected any attempt at encouraging her to get out and do things. I asked if it was dad and she said it wasn't. I asked if there was anything else. She said she was worried about how Dave and Harry were getting on in Australia. Dave, Lara and Harri left last Saturday for a month in Australia. I told her there was no need to worry, they were on holiday and would have been having a great time. she then seemed to get a bit upset but i couldn't work out why. I told her i was there for her, what ever she needed. We had a look at the to do list. One item was to phone Cruise, the bereavement councillors. I phoned for her and got her an appointment for the next day. i also asked her to do a couple of things off the list. When i left she seemed better. I phoned her later that day and asked how she got on with what she had to do, and she said she hadn't but that was ok, i knew she wasn't feeling great after going hypo.
the next day she had her appointment with Cruise. I phoned after to see how she got on. She said she had broke down, and cried a lot. She said she told them she felt that she wasn't there any more, that everyone focused on the diabetes, and not on her the person. She then broke down speaking to me saying how sorry she was and that if it wasn't for me and Dave she didn't know what she would do. I reassured her that we were there, and everything would be ok.
Afterwards while thinking about what had been happening, i started to think about how much of my mums problems are bereavement and how much are depression. Last week i spoke to her one day and she said her blood sugar was high but she was going to head out for a walk to get it down a bit. When i phoned her the next day she said she didn't bother going, preferring to sit about the house all day, even though it was a sunny day. She had a clear choice, she knew what to do to make herself feel better, and chose to sit about. To me this is an indication of depression.

After the meeting when it was decided she would go to the doctor with Kerry, who as a carer would have been allowed into the meeting, mum made the appointment. Unfortunately the appointment was for a Monday, and mum didn't tell Kerry about it until the Sunday, so she went on her own and when she came back she said the Doctor said just to continue as she is with the same pills. I spoke to Kerry about this and she got mum to make another appointment when she will attend.
I need to wrap this post up as i have been rambling on a bit. Mum has another appointment with the bereavement councillor next week as well as her doctors appointment. Those should go a long way to determining what the short term future brings. I'm heading out today to do some gardening for her and to see if she is ok. I think we all know now that things were not as rosy as they seemed and the road to recovery will be a long one!!

a positive outlook

i am feeling very positive about things just now. i have a separate post about my mum that i cant publish until i am happy with it, i just cant get my thoughts down to read correctly, hopefully soon though. But my back pain has gone, i have been swinging(kettlebells) cycling and running and feel good. The weight hasn't shifted any, i weighed myself on Monday, but i ain't worried, because i feel i have so many more tools at my disposal. In a way this year so far has been all about preparation, and now i am ready to get down to it, to implement change. Last night i didn't get out until after 8.30pm and by then it was close to darkness. i had bought new lights for my bike and went to put the batteries in before heading out when the fitting that holds the front light to the handlebars broke!! that will teach me for buying cheap lights. So not to be put off, i decided to head out for a run. I'm not a great fan of running, but I gave it my best shot. I went to Balgownie playing fields in the pitch dark and ran round one of the football pitches. I ran at length then breadth at a decent pace, then walked the other half until i completed a circuit, repeating five times. I was soaked with sweat at the end and breathing very heavily but felt good. Tonight it is the turn of the kettlebells. With my workouts with them being erratic i will re-start the 20 minute workout Ray gave me and work that.

on my bike(again)

picked up my bike after having it repaired, final cost £123.00. Went out on it last night, and it was a bit of a struggle. My back didn't hurt which was positive. I am going to head out on it again tonight, just to get the legs working again, then on Wednesday I will get back on the kettle bells. The tightness in my back has all but gone, so if I carry out the swings correctly I shouldn't have too much trouble.
the last few weeks i have really felt lethargic but am feeling better now, and am ready to get back to where I was, exercising each day. I have been scribbling down a programme with alternates between kettle bell swings, cycling and running, and will start it proper next week. This week i will keep myself busy each day getting back into the swing of things. I also have a busy schedule with my mum this week, but more on that later.

i tried to swing the kettlebell last night but my back still aches somewhat, not that much, more that I am paranoid about doing proper injury to myself. I will try and do a little each day to slowly build up confidence again.
The bike goes in on Thursday for a service on Saturday, so hopefully on Sunday I will be out and about again. I have surprised myself how much i have missed being active.
i have a meeting with the hospital and my mums carers next week, her progress is going backwards, and is causing some concern. I speak to her at least once every day and have noticed she isn't so motivated as she was. Others have noticed this hence the reason for the meeting. It isn't until the 26th of this month so we will need to wait and see.
Saturdays match against Celtic, lets not go there. I am so depressed when it comes to all matters AFC, its all doom and gloom!!

back in the groove

i haven't posted for a few days. Two reasons. First, i have been on holiday. Secondly I have hurt my back and been out of action. The two coupled together means there has been no progress, but you know what? I don't care. I am happy that I will get back on and make the progress I was making. The two weeks where everything was going well felt good and I want that back with bells on.
Lets start with the holiday. We didn't go anywhere but had days away here and there and it was great to be away from the office and the sanction of my family. Aisha starts Primary 2 next week and it is great to see her progress and grow up. Kim also seems a lot happier. She starts back at the university in a couple of weeks and the extra cash will be a huge help!
Okay onto my back. I managed to hurt it in two places. The first was picking Aisha up without bending my knees, as soon as i lifted her I knew i had done something. It was a dull stiffness more than anything else. It didn't lay me out but it certainly restricted me. Then i managed to hurt myself in bed!! i twisted my back and felt a sharp pain beside my left shoulder blade. This made movement more restrictive but the dull pain in my lower back disappeared!!
I was still able to function normally though sitting down was fine but when i stood up it took me a couple of seconds to adjust. When the lower back hurt i tried the kettlebell but it wasn't happening.
My bike is also still out of action, but is going in for a service to the Edinburgh Bike Co. on 22nd August, it will be good to have it back in tip top condition and to have more trust in it!
One major change has been i finally had that conversation with my brother. I felt and underlying tension between us and didn't like it so decided it was better to ask him than to avoid it. So we went for a few drinks last Saturday. I asked why he hadn't spoken to me about going to Australia and he said it was because he felt bad about leaving me the responsibility of looking after mum and dad. I told him i would rather have that responsibility than to loose my best friend and everything just felt right again. We still have more speaking to do, but the beer was taking hold and the time wasn't right. But i am so glad we talked. a lesson i will learn for the future.
Today is the first game of the football season and i am off to Pittodrie, and it is pissing it down. What has happened to the first game sunshine we are used to. A hard game against Celtic but my optimism is still there, just!!

Put your back into it!!

it hasn't been the best over the last few days. I was playing with Aisha and picked her up and strained my back. Nothing too serious but it has hampered my progress. I don't think there is any lasting damage, and i am trying to keep as active as possible. I have been off for a few days holidays so things haven't been so intense, and i have some more days off this week then i really plan to push things on. I need to chart my progress, so i can see improvements, the point of keeping a blog!! I still feel very positive which is important. I know i can do this and am focusing on how good i will feel at the end of this journey.
The bike will be going in for a service this week. It will be good to have faith in it and for it to function properly.

The last couple have days have seen the exercising continue along the same path, at a decent level for now. On Wednesday i swung the kettlebell and it felt better than ever, for the first time I felt my abs snapping properly. I will be back on it tonight and hope that i can continue where i left off.
Last night I went out cycling and came across mechanical problems, my gears were playing up, then my back brake started rubbing up against the wheel. This stopped me from going in full flow, and It will need to be looked at again. But the workout was still good, and i worked up a sweat. It felt tough to start with but got better as i went on, one hill i climbed wasn't as hard as i expected, maybe that means there has been progress.
My mum gave me a scare yesterday, she had taken medication for a heat rash which made her drowsy. She then went hypo. i tried phoning her in the morning but when i got no answer just assumed she was at the shops. But she was fine, the carer found her and gave her glucose, and no damage was done. And she wont be taking more of those tablets!!!

A new me?

The last two nights have seen me continue the activities. Monday I swung the kettlebell, then cut both the front and back lawn. The sun was shining and everything was good. My mood has been lifted by my new active self. Lat night I went out on the bike for 40 minutes round Bridge of Don. The rain never let up, and i was drenched within 5 minutes of being out, but that didn't put me off, if anything I enjoyed it even more. I really am getting into this biking, though my bike continues to cause me concern. Nothing much, i just don't have too much faith in it, and have to hold back a little, maybe a good thing.
Tonight it is back onto the kettlebell, hopefully for a full session. I have just had a call that Aisha has diarrhoea so I will need to dig out my doctors uniform!!
Work continues to frustrate. I am now geared up to pushing my CV out at the Oil and Gas Exhibition in September, where hopefully the market will have picked up. At the moment there just isn't jobs out there and i have to be grateful i have a job myself!!

a good weekend

Saturday morning was very busy at work, some hard graft moving archive boxes worked up a sweat. The afternoon was spent eating popcorn and watching Alvin and the Chipmunks with Aisha. Saturday night we watched Cass, a decent movie and slightly different from the usual football hooligan films where the filmed based itself on Cass' life, not just his hooligan days and tried to give you an insight into the mans life. All these genre films miss something and this film was no different. I cant put my finger on what, maybe i just don't believe the characters that much. For me that scene was very heavily influenced by fashion but this was bypassed in the film as was the music. Nut not bad in all, 6 out of 10.
on Sunday we went in past for my mum and headed up to Turriff. It has a great park with a duck pond, so we took some bread with us to feed them. We were lucky in that the rain stayed off while we were at the park, as it was on for the rest of the day. we stopped off in Ellon for a cup of tea before heading home.
Two things stood out for me this weekend, both related to food. On Saturday we had fajitas. Usually i would eat until everything was finished. this time i stuck to having two, leaving the rest for Sunday. Also when we went to Ellon Aisha wanted Chips. She got a huge plate full. Normally I would have more than helped her finish. Today I didn't have one. I did have a hot chocolate, but the point was i changed my habit. Only a small step, but one in the right direction.
Tomorrow i have a course that doesn't start until 9am, so instead of having longer in bed i plan to get out on the bike again.

Tonight I went out on my bike in the pissing rain. Friday night and i am out on the bike. A definite change in attitude. With a hard stressful day at work behind me the usual routine would have been to come home ranting then to kick back with a few beers. Tonight i wanted to avoid that, even though its been raining hard all day and hadn't let up at night i decided to get out. I returned home wet, tired, out of breath but happy. Not with the amount of good the bike run had done me, but the fact I had crossed the line and made the effort. The effort to change my life.
I decided to go off road and follow a path down by the river don, not the best idea as it was waterlogged and the shrubbery was wild, covering my path, but i still came home with a smile on my face. Not a big smile, as the thighs were burning and my chest felt tight, maybe more an inner smile!!

a good few days

the last two nights have been good for the exercising, i went cycling again on Wednesday and had the kettlebell out last night. when out on the bike i went down to the track and timed myself. I done 400m in 1 minute flat. Yes I know, top athletes could run faster than that, but it gave me a benchmark to compare against. As the weeks follow i can test myself and get that time down. The kettlebells also coming along good, i think i have my technique for the swings right, it certainly feels good. I can feel the benefit in my thighs, and today i have no tightness.
This week so far has been by far the best for not giving in to temptation and eating junk food. I had some wine gums on Wednesday and that has been it. I even bought chocolate mousse for the girls at work and didn't have any myself. When they were eating chicken curry with chips today, i was eating a panini. when Kim scoffs chocolate at home I have a piece of fruit.
I keep reminding myself to keep the momento going...........

on yer bike

i went out on the bike last night and it felt really good, the night was calm and cool, though my thighs felt tight after the kettlebell workout the night before. I came across a running track not far from my house which i had completely forgot about. This will be good when i get into running and cycling more to measure the distances i am covering, and also with interval training, where i can sprint for a lap, then jog for a lap.
I have been running my dads car for the last week with a view to buying it. My car is costing money each month in repairs, and mum was looking to sell there car. Its a fiesta and smaller than i am used to so i thought i could try it for a while to see if it fitted. Admittedly it isn't ideal, its only three door, with limited boot space, but i think i will buy it to do us until i can afford something bigger. Kim is looking to go back to the University to work so that will help increase our income. We definitely have to watch the pennies just now!!

Positive Outlook

things are still hectic, mainly due to the school holidays. It means i can be working 11-12 hour days then trying to fit everything else in. The weekend was great, we went to see Ice Age 3 on Saturday, then Sensations in Dundee had a Wallace and Gromit exhibition on which Aisha loved. Spending time with the family really is the greatest pleasure. Our home life seems to have settled down as we have discovered that the reason Aisha has been wetting herself for the last three years is due to a problem with her bladder. Knowing this has taken a huge strain off of Kim and you can see the difference with her and Aisha, less stress, more fun. That in turn takes some strain from me so a win win situation. We're still not out of the woods, as Aisha's bladder problem is still there, but we can manage it better. Knowledge is power and all that.
Had the kettlebell out last night, and it felt real good, my thighs are tight today. I need to work at it more. in the back of my head i hear the reminder to do thirty minutes exercise per day. On Sunday i cleaned up my bike and plan to head out for a run on it tomorrow. The more variety i put into the exercises the better. Its strange but for all the months i have been at this, and all the failures along the way, this is as positive that i can change things as i have ever felt.

Ouch

Well that hurt this morning, i thought my lungs were going to collapse, my legs turned to jelly and my ratio of walking to running was closer to 90/10 than the 50/50 i hoped. Truth is i knew it would be hard, but you never remember just how tough it is going to be. But the air was cool, which helped, and my head felt clear when heading into work which was good, starting work early and refreshed while others headed in looking dazed and half asleep.
I received a call at 8.25am from my mum's carer saying she had rang the bell and phoned and she couldn't get hold of my mum and was getting concerned. I had just about grabbed the car keys to head out when she said she could see someone moving, and mum opened the door. She had slept in!! Panic over. Again. I tell you my nerves aren't up to this. Mum phoned me later apologising, she had slept in, so she is off to get a new alarm clock today. She asked me to get her one but I told her she could manage herself. The trip to Tesco will do her good.

Dont Panic

The title may be misleading, mum has been doing fine, enjoying being home. Last week she was visited by someone who offered to take her shopping. Mum had never met her before and said she was fine. She then spoke to her carer who also didn't know anything about it, so she spoke to her manager. She seemed concerned so said she would speak to the hospital and if they didn't know anything she would contact the police. That's when panic set in. A thousand thoughts when through my head. I went out to visit her that night after work, to hear the good news. When mum was released from hospital there were two care companies available to look after her. The social worker decided to use just one and didn't contact the other to cancel there services. It was them that sent someone to help mum. Panic over.
Apart from that incident everything has been good. The weather has been great which puts a spring in your step.
The diet is well and truly back on track. Nothing fancy just cutting out the crap. Drinking three litres of water a day is playing havoc on my bladder, considering i had problems with it last year, but i have been promised it gets better. I met a colleague the other day who has lost three stones, another inspiration.
Tomorrow i am going to start running, i know its going to be hard but have visualised myself running without breathing out of my arse. A long journey!!

This blog

Why did I start this blog. Well yes I wanted to change my life as I wasn't happy with the direction it was going in. Am i completely happy? No i wouldn't say I am, but then I wouldn't say anyone is. This journey so far has had its ups and downs, i have had things thrown at me I didn't expect, and have had to change my route on more than one occasion. But I will keep on this road for now. My knowledge has increased, I have learned new skills and at the very least feel better equipped to make change in my life.
So why did i start the blog. Well i had been thinking things over for a while, about where my life was going, especially if it stayed the same, and I didn't want that, i still don't. So after reading a friends blog i got inspiration. I still do. But the reason for my blog wasn't to communicate with friends, or to make new cyber friends. It was purely to get my thoughts down and recorded. For me to track my journey. Not for anyone else. I haven't told anyone(except my wife) about this blog. Others have found it which is good, but the primary reason was so i could put down my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas somewhere. And I have lost track of that.
The one lesson i have learnt over the last 6 months, is that nothing comes easy, you have to work at it, but if you do the rewards are there. Sitting on your arse watching the world go by shouldn't be an option to consider. And for me it isn't.

its been a while

i haven't posted anything for over two weeks, time being the main reason. Work has been extremely busy. We have been controlling logistics movements for a new project in the Dutch sector. This has used up a lot of my time and the hours have been long. Its been a bit of a juggling act getting the balance right but I am coping so far!!

Mum has been released from hospital. She has a carer visits four times a day and a nurse goes in twice a day to keep an eye on her diabetes. I have to say she is happy to be home and that is a good thing. she also seems to be making an effort to keep active, heading out each day to the shops, buying plants for the garden. But its only been a week and she is already speaking of getting rid of her carer, which would be a bad move.

She is not 100% right and never will be. She was wanting help looking for a sheet last week and spoke to me as if it was my house and she was a visitor, not the other way round. She started smoking again after stopping for the 12 weeks she was in hospital. Its something i new she would do, there had been signs, but no less annoying. All that good work gone to waste. Ironically we cleared out my dads wardrobe at the weekend, and while emptying the pockets of some jackets i came across a packet of cigars with the big bold sign. SMOKING KILLS, and it made me think of my parents life long habit and if it had all been worthwhile!!

I try to get out to see her two or three times a week, and phone her twice a day. As one of her carers, that is the level of help i can give. I also take care of her finances. All my help is going on empowering her rather than assisting her. When she asks me to do something, if i feel she can do it herself i refuse, and help her achieve it herself. This should, in the long run, be of more benefit to her. I find it frustrating to deal with sometimes. Take today for example. She wasn't at home when i thought she would be, so i panicked a bit. When i did get hold of her i could tell she was smoking which annoyed me. Then we talked about her carer visiting and she said she wanted to reduce the amount of visits. she's only been home a week but she thinks she can look after herself without any problems, whereas i disagree. i want her to be happy in her home but also safe. Without a carer i don't think she will be. She gets confused easily, and having a carer available is a great resource for her, lets hope she See's things the same way as I do.

I have stopped fasting. Primarily because i wasn't convinced it was working, but also because i received a great email from a very good friend of mine. He has managed to lose 13kg by making small changes. he didn't over analyse things, he stuck to some basic rules and it worked. And its still working. And i am very proud of him. His rules were



1. exercise 30 minutes a day

2. drink at least 2.5 litre of water a day

3. cut out the snacks

4. replace an evening meal with cereal a couple of days a week



He has admitted its been tough to get to where he is and sometimes has to drag himself to where he wants to be but that's understandable. And where he is going is where i want to be. Less focus and thought, more action!!

I need to get my kettle bell used more, at the moment i am working it once a week and it isn't enough. My main source of exercise at the moment is gardening, having to do both my own and my mums. Not my idea of fun!!

Focus

I need to keep my focus. I think i have tried too much and achieved too little. The whole concept for this blog was too change my life and to track it through writing about it. The writing helps, it keeps things fresh in your mind and it makes you think deeper about the events in your life. But my life has changed so much since the initial idea.
I still want to achieve all the goals i initially set myself, but need to change they way i accomplish it. To completely change my life all at the same time was a step too far. Smaller steps are required.
The first thing I need to change is my weight. This is directly linked to getting fitter, so two changes for the price of one. These are what i need to focus on. To achieve this I am using various tools. I log my food intake through the LiveStrong website. This is great as it shows my intake of calories, fat, carbohydrates etc. It really keeps you on track and makes you think about what you are eating. over time my diet will improve as more data from my intake becomes available. I also have a good understanding of kettlebells, a workout that is perfectly suited for me. I know i can be doing more with this but wont beat myself up too much about it. Finally I have NLP. Now this is one area i have let slip and need to change. NLP will give me the skills to accomplish my goals, but after initially reading up on it i have stopped, and my understanding of it at this stage is no where near what it could be. A better understanding of NLP will help me accomplish my goals.
I have been reading various publications and websites and though still a novice have taken on board small things that are helping me. For example i recently bought Richard Bandlers new book. In it one thing sprang out at me. It said always live in the moment, not the past not the future but the present. This has been a great titbit. I use it a lot as i have been guilty of dwelling on the past, while continually planning and thinking of the future. Not enough time was spent living the moment. This means i can concentrate better while spending time with it Aisha, rather than playing with her while thinking what i have to do that night, or the next day. It means she gets my full attention when i am with her, which is the very least she deserves.

a change of direction

over the last few days i have went back to my old routine, a poor diet and no exercise. The reason for this? So i could enter the stats into my livestrong account to see how bad my diet was, and a final reminder of what I am leaving behind. and I am glad I did. Take today. I took Aisha to MacDonald's for lunch, and had a BBQ for supper. Okay maybe not so bad, but it made me feel bloated, fat and very uncomfortable. Add in the fact the weather was great and it hit home why i want to shift this weight. I covered up in a big baggy shapeless shirt and three quarter length trousers but didn't feel at all comfortable. I see so much clothes that are at the moment out of my reach. Not due to price but more design and how I will look and feel wearing them. But they will be my inspiration to change, along with the other inspirations I have collected over the weeks.
So Sunday night was the start of another fast. This time I found it very easy and have found the best solution, have my tea around 6pm then fast for 24 hours until the next evening. My evening meal consisted of two burgers that would have been done on the BBQ if my car hadn't broken down and left me late getting home. And no snacks at night, not even a chocolate out of Kim's birthday box. Happy Birthday darling, I love you xx

Mum

Finally, we have a date, Wednesday the 10th June, where we will meet with the medical staff and decide on the level of care mum will need at home. Speaking to the nurse this morning she will need assistance from more than one person on a day to day basis. It is likely it will be one to look after her diabetes, another to look after her occupational functions, and Dave and myself. The progress she has made lately has been small, but then she has a shorter distance to travel. she has gained most of the skills she once had, ones we take for granted like making a cup of tea are still a bit of a challenge. The real worry is once she gets out of hospital she is more vulnerable. Anyone can knock at the door and if they see how vulnerable she is they may think she is an easy target. That will mean being on close contact with her, and being there for her always. It will mean me dashing out to Inverurie for the smallest of requests, to open a jar, to change a light bulb. But as time passes she will overcome the Small hurdles. Last week she couldn't fasten the seat belt in my car. This week she can. Progress. Yes very small steps, but small steps in the right direction.

i haven't posted for a few days now so let me recap on whats been happening. First off, i weighed myself on Monday and have lost 1.1/2 pounds. Woohoo!!!! Okay not the greatest but finally the weight is coming off and and i am going in the right direction. What has been a big help has been the diet tracker i have been using. i can physically see what i have eaten, the calorie content, the fat content, and make the necessary adjustments to keep on track. I can also log my fitness regime which also helps. I have to admit losing that 1.1/2 pounds felt good and gave me inspiration to carry on.
I spent the whole weekend gardening, or more to the point weeding. Saturday and Sunday spent in my garden, Mondays in mums garden, but now both are looking a lot better. Neither are finished but at least you can see an improvement!!
Oh and Jimmy Calderwood has been sacked, happy days!!!!!!!!

Diet

Diet is the biggest challenge i will have in my revolution. It is the biggest obstacle for me to overcome. this is how i plan to do it. I have spoke about the fasting diet where i don't eat for 24 hours at a time, twice a week. Today i have just finished my first fast of the week. I cant say it is easy, easy would be to fill my face when i am hungry, but the point is it suits me. This is how my mind works. I start a diet on Monday, up to Wednesday might be going great, then Thursday my planned schedule gets disrupted, say I have to work late or nip out to see my mum. What then happens is I eat crap instead of a balanced meal. Thursday comes and in the back of my head I know Wednesday wasn't a great day for the diet so I am not so strict with what I eat. By Thursday the diet is finished BUT with the promise to start again on Monday. This then gives me Friday, Saturday and Sunday to fill my face knowing I will start a new diet again on Monday!! With the fasting diet I have more control, as I wont beat myself up when i have a bad day.
I am using Lance Armstrongs livestrong web site's calorie tracker to record everything I eat. I settled on this because it had all the UK foods in its database where as the other one I used didn't and I had to settle for a US equivalent or input all the nutritional information myself. Another advantage is i can usee the App on my iTouch which gives me more flexibility.
This tracker also has let me set my weight loss goal. I have entered my starting weight and also my desired weight. Working on the basis that I want to get to my desired weight for my birthday, 7th October, I must lose 2lb a week. To do this I must only consume 1602 calories per day. this works out at 11,214 calories per 7 day week. With the fasting diet I will only be eating for 5 days giving me an allowance of 2242 calories a day. Now this is closer to the recommended allowance of 2500 a day for a man of my size, and should be easily attainable. It also doesn't include calories burned during exercise. The one thing at the back of my mind is the doubt that 24 hour fasting does affect the metabolism and the fasting isn't having the desired affect, but for now it has been too short a period to establish if this is correct.
Off now to enjoy my supper, nothing like a fast to build an appetite!!

A new beginning

a current theme in my life is of the fresh start. You know what I mean. Start a diet, it lasts a few days and then you blow it, but promise yourself to start again next week. That has been my way of thinking for years, and where has it got me? Nowhere. So now i look at things in a different perspective. I now have all the tools at my disposal to change my life. I have the diet plan, i have the exercise plan, i have the finance plan. None are at an advanced stage but are adequate to get me started.
The diet is still on going, but I am learning quickly where I go wrong. So to compensate for this I am keeping a food diary. Everything goes into it, and over time a pattern will emerge. I came to the conclusion that I have a problem with food. Sometimes I binge eat, sometimes i don't, but i certainly lack control. I have a sweet tooth, i have a savoury tooth. So to overcome this I am fasting twice a week. later this week i will put down all the stats to show where i am, where i intend to get to, and how i will get there.
the fitness aspect is going well, the kettlebells are good, but the one thing is i feel i could be doing much more. But I wont beat myself up about it just now.
I feel I am going in the right direction, and if nothing else that is a positive. Now to get the fat off!!

losing my focus

this week has been all over the place. Late nights at work, not enough time spent on the things i want to. My life has had no structure to it and I have suffered for it.I have still managed two kettlebell sessions which is good, but apart from I haven't felt any inner happiness.
Yesterday I received Richard Bandlers new book Get the Life you want an easy book to read split into small segments, i will let you know how i get on with it. It comes with a CD that i downloaded onto my ipod last night, but listening to it this morning, i don't know how beneficial it will be. You have to get past the dramatic talking and loud background music and it is quite unsettling.
The food diary was a bit of a damp squid. The idea is great and I will stick with it, but i chose the wrong site, as it is all US based and not suitable. I will learn from that, not to jump in so quick, but to take my time and to research more. I do have a tendency to miss essential details in other aspects of life, and I need to address that.
Mum is still doing fine, I am visiting her tonight. I haven't seen her for a few days so it will be good to meet up. I also got rid of her old greenhouse through freecycle and there's plenty more where that came from !!

The last week hasn't went so well. I don't know what it was but I felt a bit low. This seemed to have an impact on everything. The diet wasn't great. I fasted twice as planned, but the other days I didn't control my intake. To redeem this I am going to track all the food i eat and analyse it on fitday to make sure i do this properly.
the exercising was also less than i hoped, only two days kettlebell training instead of three. This was partly down to planning to work them on Friday then being stuck here until 8.30pm. But no excuse I done less than i planned so to compensate I will do more this week, starting tonight.
Today me and Dave have a meeting with the Doctor, Psychiatrist and Occupational Therapist to decide the future plans for my mum. Hopefully there will be a positive outcome!!

Another week

Disappointingly I haven't lost any weight this week. This could be that the fasting diet doesn't work. It could be that I have increased my muscle mass at the same rate as I have lost fat. I don't know, but I wont get too disheartened about it just yet. I will give the diet another few weeks to see where I am with it. I hope it works as it does suit me but we will see.
I listened to Richard Bandler on Simon Mayo's show courtisy of BBC iPlayer. Very interesting stuff. I have let the NLP side of things slip over the last few weeks and maybe its time i rediscovered it.

Last night was a bit of a low. I visited mum in hospital and took her home to pick up some needles for injecting her insulin. She still seemed very confused, but not that bothered about it. I have to accept this will be a long journey. When I heard the occupational therapist planned to take her home for some exercises, making a cup of tea, heating up some food, that type of thing, i thought she might be on the mend sooner than hoped. Saturday made me realise that isn't the case. She is still a long way from getting home if ever. But she seems happy, and for that I am thankful. The depression doesn't seem to be around and she is off the anti-depressants.
Today i worked the kettlebells again today in the garden between rain showers. I have read about HIIT and mentioned it here before. Interval training is good for fat loss, something I am keen on. This can be worked with running, swimming, cycling, or possibly kettlebells. You start with 30 seconds of high intensity training, followed by 90 seconds of resting, not standing still but a reduced rate of exercise, say walking. This would last 20 minutes. Each week would see an increase in training and a reduction in resting until it was an even 50/50 split. This form of exercise works the metabolism harder than a similar exercise at a constant rate, say jogging. I now plan to try and work this in to my busy schedule. Today I tried it with the kettlebells and felt good afterwards, though red faced and out of breath as usual.
The diet has been good this a week and tomorrow i will weigh myself to see how well it has really went.
Tomorrow not only is it May Day but also Star Wars day, May the 4th be with you!!!!!

just back from pittodrie where Aberdeen lost to Celtic. Should have been more than 1-0 up at half time but went in level and huffed and puffed second half. Defensive mistakes cost us again.
Mum's doing good, she's been home for a visit. She has been working with the occupational therapist and is progressing well. I am feeling more optimistic about her future. Have sorted out her finances for her, now to concentrate more on my own, but more of that next week.
Done my second fast of the week from Friday lunchtime through to saturday and found this one harder this time. I think i will revert back to a supper to supper 24 hour fast. But that is another two done for this week. Haven't weighed myself yet but my trousers fit more comfortable on me which is a good sign. I have also done three kettlebell sessions this week. Last night I didn't get finished work until 7.30pm but forced myself not to miss a session. Found the Turkish get ups quite hard, and don't think i done them justice but will persevere until i crack it. The swings are feeling good and i think i have the technique right.

I'm no Quitter

Last night while lying in bed excruciating pain(sorry milking it) I was thinking over the last few weeks and months of my journey, and how much I have achieved. I think the one thing I have gained is knowledge. My concern last night was how I have always seem myself as a quitter. i have quitted more diets than I would care to remember. I have great intentions for so many things and never see them through. The whole purpose of this blog is to control these failings in my life. But as i lay there last night i came to realise I have been too hard on myself. I'm not a quitter. in fact I am the exact opposite. I've been married for 6 years, with a 5 year old quitter. Hey times haven't always been great but I am still there, still trying to make it work. And it is. I have been with my current employer over 11 years. I have hated it at times but am still here. That's not a quitter. I have a season ticket at Pittodrie, and have done for over a decade, the worst spell in the clubs history. That's not the sign of a quitter. its time i wasn't so hard on myself for never seeing anything through, and started focusing on the things I have stuck with. This focus will help get to where I want to get to.

Ouchy

that's the second kettlebell session i have had with Ray and the second time I have been left in agony. Today my shoulders feel like they have sized up and my abs and thighs burn when i move them. What are you doing to me man?? Last night I intended going for a swim. I left the house at 8.45pm but took a call about work on the way. As it was windy i sheltered behind a fence to talk. When the call was finished I went into the swimming pool only to be told the last admission was 9pm and i was 5 minutes late. I had a laugh to myself. Typical me, best intentions gone out the window!! Last night i had a poor sleep as I struggled with the sore shoulders.

Last night I also handled my fast better, not feeling so hungry afterwards. We had a meal of fajitas and i followed that with some fruit later on. My next fast day will probably be Thursday. I might adjust the times so it runs from lunch time to lunch time.

I also finished Animal Farm last night. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. The book is based on Stalin and the Bolshevik uprising. The book splits the different factors into animals with the pigs being the cleverest animals taking the lead and starting out by promising everyone that all animals are equal. But as time progresses the lies and greed that are typical of humans shines through until the communist state the animals hoped to live in turns into a dictatorship that none of them are able to overturn. This book has given me an appetite to read more on the history of Stalin. But not until i have went onto read the other George Orwell novels i have. Next off is Burmese days.

Tonight I am out to see Mum at Inverurie hospital. I phoned this morning and she has settled in well, she is in a small room of two. The doctor visits this afternoon, then the occupational therapist tomorrow. I hope to speak to a nurse to get a better understanding of the rehabilitation plan.

Mum has been moved to Inverurie Hospital and onto the next phase of her recovery. This weekend she was definitely more positive, and stated she was determined to get better, which is half the battle. Tonight I will phone her to see how she has settled in, then go visit her tomorrow.

this weekend has been family time. We went out for a meal on Saturday to TGI Fridays. Never again. Overpriced bland food and huge portions that left us bloated and out of pocket. Sunday we went to see Monsters v Aliens 3D. 3D films work brilliantly in animation and looks like the way to go for future films. Pity it was so pricey, with an adult viewing costing £9.60 each!!

I headed down to AMAG for a session with Ray and the kettlebells. Ray went over a four week programme for em to do at home. Though I struggled in class this programme is short and direct, taking up less than 30 minutes a day 3 times a week. Today I am sore in my shoulders and thighs. If i can, i intend to go for a swim tonight to help ease the muscles.

Today is fasting day, i last ate at 6pm Sunday so have went all day without food and apart from a small time in the afternoon have coped well with it. I am looking forward to my supper though!! Below is a link to an article that has an interesting take on fasting

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071106092013.htm

Lets shift this weight

So that was my first fast. The unusual thing for me was how easy it was. I didn't have any rumbling stomach, no mad food thoughts. What was probably more unusual was that after it finished i had some macaroni cheese in the evening, and then felt hungry the whole night. I would have thought my stomach would have shrunk and the pasta would have filled me up but it seemed to work in the opposite way. I think the times I fast may also need to be changed, but I can work on that. I certainly think the flexibility of fasting two days a week and eating normally the rest is the best option for me.

I worked out my BMI yesterday, it is 31.25 making me officially obese. No news there though, but a benchmark for me to work from. This weekend I will be having more hospital visits, and hopefully a session with Ray down at AMAG. I'm on call with work this weekend so always expect the unexpected!!
As of next week Mum will be out in the Donbank ward at Inverurie hospital. Visiting just got harder!!

Time to Reflect

So much has happened since i started this blog. I thought now would be a good time to look at the original aim and see how far I have progressed. The 5 parts of my revolution were
Health and Fitness
Finance
Family
Culture and Arts
Career

lets look at each one individually

Health and Fitness - this one takes up a lot of my thoughts but not so much of my time. unfortunately time is precious at the moment and the natural thing is to let and plans slide. This isn't an excuse but more a reason, and something I need to address. Maybe I should spend more time thinking of time management!!
I have attended the kettlebells workshop and will hook up with Ray soon. I have bought my own kettlebell and this I am sure will give me good balance in my life. I have also started the new diet, and today I am fasting, and with only two hours left can honestly say it has been easier than I thought. The benefits wont be known for sometime but I am confident I can make it work.
Conclusion - could do better
Finance - once again I am sure there is more I can be doing, but I am slowly getting to where I want to be. The truth is addressing the problem was the biggest step and the rest should be easy. Never intended to be solved overnight I am happy with the small progress I have made
Conclusion - on the right path
Family - Since the original blog post so much has changed. What I shall say is I am finding it a strain to keep everyone happy, including myself, but feel the responsibility and am determined to do the right thing for everyone. I hope to get the balance right.
Conclusion - tough going but just about keeping it together!
Culture and Arts - another one that is hard when time is so limited, but I am happy that I am getting away form the couch potato I was once. The quality of my reading is improving, having just finished To Kill a Mockingbird I am now onto Animal Farm. It doesn't have much resemblance to the film of the same name I watched as a teenager though!! I also picked up the guitar last night which felt good. I will try and make that more regular.
Conclusion - could do better
Career - Well the Global Credit Crunch has put paid to any idea of moving jobs this year, but what with all that is happening in my private life that's OK, a few months wont hurt

So my overall conclusion is I could be doing much better, but for now I wont be beating myself up about it. My focus has to be being there for others around me. Things will change so much over the next few months that it is hard to make any definite plans, but I fell if anything my knowledge of where I want to be has improved.

the goal posts move again

Mum is now in ward 50. when i visited last night and spoke to the nurse they had very little knowledge of her and her background. So i sat and talked about what had happened and what she was like before the overdose. The nurse told me they were now looking to move her to Inverurie hospital to a slow go rehabilitation programme. The other one they do is at Woodend Hospital but has a long waiting list. She also told me to phone Dave and discuss the long term future as it is likely she wont be able to go home to her own home again. This is completely different to last week when they were discussing her going home with some assistance. I haven't had the heart to tell her she wont be going home yet, firstly because I think it will upset her and secondly because i don't know how true it is. Every doctor and nurse has told me a different story, who do I believe. The fact is she is not safe to go home just now, but how much will that change over the next few weeks and months. The nurse last night was great and made the effort to phone everyone involved, consultants, occupational therapists, psychiatrists, to get there take on things. We should have a clearer picture next week.
I have started my 24 hour fast. It started at 7pm last night, so i am already over 12 hours in. This will mean I can have something to eat tonight. Last night I also got the guitar out. As you may remember this was one of the aims in my original revolution. I managed to get it tuned last night. Anything to avoid watching the Apprentice!! I am also continuing to look at ways to reduce my outgoings. More on that to come.

its been a few days since i last posted. Mum is still in hospital and the roller coaster continues to run. She has had her MRI scan but hasn't received the results back. I spoke to a Doctor on Monday who advised it was highly likely she has permanent brain damage. The extent if this is still unclear. We discussed what the next stage of her treatment is. She doesn't need medical assistance so they are keep to discharge her from hospital. The problem is she cant go home on her own. This was evident when last night Dave phoned to say Mum had went missing. The hospital had phoned to say they couldn't find her. She was being moved wards and was in the television room waiting confirmation of what ward she was going to. She told a nurse she was off to have a cigarette, even though she hasn't smoked in over three weeks, is on patches, and had no money!! when she returned she went to the first floor TV room instead of the second floor, and everyone panicked. A perfect example of why she cant go home on her own!!
All her tests will be done by the end of this week and a meeting is scheduled for next week to decide the best plan. They mentioned Inverurie Hospital to me this morning as an option, I will know more tonight.
Over the past few days I have been looking at various diets and fitness regimes. My life is all over the place just now with so many commitments i am finding it impossible to stick to any given plan, be it dietary or fitness. But that shouldn't mean i cant tackle the main issue in this blog, to lose weight. i came across a system called EatStopEat. The basis of this fat loss programme is to fast two days a week. This means in any given week you are removing 4000 plus calories from your weekly intake. It also requires strength exercises to build muscle tissue. This would be where the kettlebells would come into play!
I have to explain that I have tried to lose weight more times than I care to remember. I know the majority of times it is due to my lack of willpower and lack of discipline. But this system of fasting twice a week followed by normal eating patterns combined with weight based workouts is something that is very flexible. For example the fasting. It is required for a 24 hour period. On Monday i have my last meal at 6pm. I then don't eat for 24 hours, meaning I cant eat until 6pm Tuesday. This means though i am fasting for 24 hours i am not missing one whole day of eating. It is also flexible in that if Tuesday isn't a good day, say i am having lunch with someone through work, i can then change it to Wednesday. Now whether or not the claims about helping weight loss and increasing the metabolism are true, i honestly don't know. While doing my research i found arguments for and against fasting. But due to its flexible nature I will give it a try.
The fitness side has to be more structured. i need to hook up with Ray at AMAG to get the kettlebells workout he has written for me. I was swinging the bell on Monday out in my back garden and it felt good, though i am still convinced my technique isn't great, but with practice it will get better.
I have also been looking into rearranging my finances and working my budget harder but more of that later this week.